"janice" wrote in message
...
On Thu, 9 Dec 2004 10:18:27 -0500, "Mary M/Ohio"
wrote:

I was intrigued with the idea when I first heard it a few years ago (from
Dr. Phil, I think) -- that we remain overweight for some "payoff" reason
that is usually unconscious. I had a hard time with that one, feeling as
though I would do anything to be thin, and hated being fat. Yet despite
*22
years* of trying to get below 200, making more effort toward losing weight
than anyone else I knew, I couldn't do it. Now that I'm reading "The
Solution" by Laurel Mellin, I'm reminded of this concept because there's a
section in there called "The Hidden Benefits of Body Size." I found it
intriguing enough to quote here and hope it will spark some thought and
conversation:

"Maintaining a body size larger than our biologic comfort zone is how we
send wordless messages to others. Even if we spend years dieting and
sweating off pounds, this voice will express itself through a relentless
sabotage that results in weight staying rock solid.

"Little or none of this is conscious. We don't *purposely* sabotage our
healthy eating and scuttle our exercise plans to keep our weight high,
*but
it may still be happening.* We seem to spontaneously regain the weight
without really knowing why.

"What is our challenge? To give that voice words and sound so that it can
speak directly and stop expressing itself through extra weight."

Then it goes on and gives examples of case studies of people who used
their
weight to say, "I don't want you to know me. Stay away." or "I feel
powerless. Taking up space gives me power." or "Don't expect too much from
me." None of these reasons was realized consciously, and some of the
people
were "aghast" to find out what they were using their weight to say.

There's also a box with many common messages people use:

"What does your weight say for you?

"Don't notice me.
I am not important.
I am powerful.
I feel powerless.
I am a good mother.
Feel sorry for me.
I don't want sex.
I am stable and dependable.
Don't mess with me.
Don't expect too much of me.
I am not perfect.
Stay away from me.
I feel angry.
I am afraid to be all I can be.
I am not worthy.
I have given up.
I am loyal to my family.
I don't want to grow up.
I don't want you to judge me.
I reject you.
I need space.
I need love."

I immediately recognized, "I don't want to grow up," and perhaps "I need
space," as well as "I need love" and a few more. I want to examine more of
these and see which apply -- indeed that's what the author suggests:

"Obviously, our weight speaks to the world in paragraphs, not just
sentences. If you maintain a slight distance ... saying to yourself, "I
wonder what my weight says for me now?" you'll probably come back to this
question over and over again, and come up with a different answer each
time.
All the sentiments that your weight communicates for you can be brought to
your awareness and expressed verbally. Each time you use words, not your
weight, to express yourself, you'll *need* the extra weight less. Then it
becomes easier and easier to attain the weight you've determined is best
for
your health and happiness."

If this rings a bell for any of you, I highly recommend borrowing this
book
from the library. Again, it's "The Solution" by Laurel Mellin.

Mary M
325-163-145

Thanks for posting this Mary. I know there's something in the ideas
put forward here, but I've never been able to quite pin down how it
applies to me. I strongly suspect that there may be more than just
falling off the wagon for me, like you I've struggled to lose weight
(for 40 yearsin my case) and never quite got down to where I want to
be.

I can't relate consciously to any of the things on the list you've
quoted, but sometimes I do wonder if I get scared of drawing too much
attention to myself - I absolutely *hate* the comments that come when
I lose weight, and can feel myself dreading them. In some peverse
way, I want to lose weight but I don't want anyone else to notice.

Sounds an interesting book - I'm going to look out for it.

janice

Sorry I missed this post, Janice! And sorry to quote from the very beginning
since my original was very long (lots of scrolling necessary to get
here!) -- but since it's been awhile, I thought the context might help if
someone else is reading it.

I really am not sure how this all applies to me, either, but it sure
resonated when I read it. In fact, I should go back and re-read my own list
I came up with -- I know I started a new post with it, so I'll have to go
back and look. Especially now, because emotional eating seems to go with
Christmas for me, especially when lots of my family is home. Lots of old
feelings and dynamics. And while visiting with my family is very enjoyable,
there's a fair amount of overeating going on for me, including "eat it
because it's sitting there" as well as emotionally-fueled eating. I know
that if I begin using my food journal I will do better, but I also recognize
that I don't want to keep the food journal. I want to continue eating
whatever I want in significant quantities -- but day after day of that is
certainly showing in my clothes. I don't want to enter panic mode because I
am really trying to remove the drama and emotion from the whole weight
thing -- I think that will help me more than anything right now.

My weight problem has been lifelong like yours -- and I know that
"unhandled" emotions are definitely part of the mix -- I am not always in
touch with what they are, though. It did help me to grab a pen when I was
writing my own "What does my weight say for me?" list, and I just wrote
stream-of-consciousness and didn't allow myself to edit what I was writing
(kind of like this post, LOL). It turned out that I didn't even understand
some of the things I wrote -- but they were there because they came out of
the pen. :-) "Unconscious" writing has always been a great tool for me, and
I ought to use it more. (I find it works better using a pen than a computer.
I edit too much while typing.) What won't "jell" in my head if I think about
it sometimes comes out quite plainly on paper if I just write without
thinking. And sometimes it's a little more obscure. Hmmm -- I'm not being
very clear here, but somehow just writing this does help to get my focus
back on good eating habits -- I want to eat healthy and not overload myself
with junk which does nothing for me except make me fatter and tired and
uncomfortable in my clothes. Why do I think that is rewarding? I need to
more clearly connect the junk food in my hand with the tighter pants and
jackets.

Mary