gotta find my balance

Since the doctor's appointment last Tuesday, I have been eating too much for
the first time in almost 2 yrs!! Someone, somewhere refilled one of my
prescriptions so I am without one while they figure this out.
I have an impending sense of doom with Curt's survival time being way
shorter than we had hoped. Work out of my control. I am sitting here thinkin
about the 1/4 of frozen tony's pizza I just had and stopping myself from
throwing it up. It looks like I have a binge coming on. I haven't done that
for a few years either!!!
Yeah, I know, butch up. but dammit, my husband is dying, my job is f'd up,
everything in my house is either broke, repaired or soon to break. and all I
want to do is EAT!!! This morning I have had 3/4 c old fashioned outmeal
with 2%milk and splenda, ~1/2 tub of small strawberry creme wafers from
Cub, the 1/4 pizza, a diet vanilla coke and water. I have been up since 930
pm last night because I worked nights ( had one cheddarwurst there and
nothing before that since 4pm yesterday)and then S4 woke up 3 hrs earlier
than normal so instead of having a smoke and going to sleep, I have been up
eating sugar and waiting to take him to preschool so I can fall asleep in my
van in the parking lot. I would go to Curves (went Wed) but I am going to
quit there and join the health club downstairs (no classes during my free
time tho
and I feel guilty about jumping ship on the owners of my Curves. so I am
waffling on that. they are really nice mother/daughter team


Just trying to stop destroying my success. My therapist would have a field
day with this. "why don't you feel like you can be successful, Lori?. Is it
because Curt is losing his battle, so why should you succeed at yours?"

probably, but unless you have gone or are going through the painful slow
death of your best friend and lover, you have no idea how I feel.
I feel like my thoughts are constantly jumbling from paralyzing pre-grief
that makes me want to go with him when he goes, to having my practical side
start planning what I am going to do when this is over. that makes me feel
bad like How dare I make plans when he won't ever have plans again??/
I am giving myself this weekend to make myself sick (like I feel right now)
and resolving to get back on track.
fitness zone =Monday
--
Lori
220/156/144
LC since 1/17/03
Devoted wife of Curtis, Stage 4 Prostate cancer at age 40
http://community.webshots.com/user/lorismiller

Lorelei, I'm so sorry all this is happening to you, and all at once.

Just trying to stop destroying my success. My therapist would have a field
day with this. "why don't you feel like you can be successful, Lori?. Is it
because Curt is losing his battle, so why should you succeed at yours?

I don't think that's it. I think you're legitimately upset and turning to
something that gives you comfort -- food.

OTOH, it sounds like there's so little in your life that you can control right
now, it would be a small personal triumph if you could control this part of it.

But please don't beat yourself up if you gain back a few pounds. With
everything else going on, you don't need to make yourself feel guilty on top of
it all.

I wish I could help in some way. I really do.


Daria
166/under 145/under 145
sugar-free since 2/1/04
low-carb since 2/17/04

Lorelei, I'm so sorry all this is happening to you, and all at once.

Just trying to stop destroying my success. My therapist would have a field
day with this. "why don't you feel like you can be successful, Lori?. Is it
because Curt is losing his battle, so why should you succeed at yours?

I don't think that's it. I think you're legitimately upset and turning to
something that gives you comfort -- food.

OTOH, it sounds like there's so little in your life that you can control right
now, it would be a small personal triumph if you could control this part of it.

But please don't beat yourself up if you gain back a few pounds. With
everything else going on, you don't need to make yourself feel guilty on top of
it all.

I wish I could help in some way. I really do.


Daria
166/under 145/under 145
sugar-free since 2/1/04
low-carb since 2/17/04

In article .net,
says...
Since the doctor's appointment last Tuesday, I have been eating too much for
the first time in almost 2 yrs!! Someone, somewhere refilled one of my
prescriptions so I am without one while they figure this out.
I have an impending sense of doom with Curt's survival time being way
shorter than we had hoped. Work out of my control. I am sitting here thinkin
about the 1/4 of frozen tony's pizza I just had and stopping myself from
throwing it up. It looks like I have a binge coming on. I haven't done that
for a few years either!!!
Yeah, I know, butch up. but dammit, my husband is dying, my job is f'd up,
everything in my house is either broke, repaired or soon to break. and all I
want to do is EAT!!! This morning I have had 3/4 c old fashioned outmeal

{{{{{{{{{{ LORI }}}}}}}}}}

I wish I could say or do something to help you, but, as you said, no one knows
what it's like for you right now, and this is not the first major blow you've had
to deal with. We can listen, though. I'm sending positive, even-keeled vibes
your way.

--
Saffire
205/149/125 - 5'1.5"
Atkins since 6/14/03
Progress photo: http://photos.yahoo.com/saffire333

In article .net,
says...
Since the doctor's appointment last Tuesday, I have been eating too much for
the first time in almost 2 yrs!! Someone, somewhere refilled one of my
prescriptions so I am without one while they figure this out.
I have an impending sense of doom with Curt's survival time being way
shorter than we had hoped. Work out of my control. I am sitting here thinkin
about the 1/4 of frozen tony's pizza I just had and stopping myself from
throwing it up. It looks like I have a binge coming on. I haven't done that
for a few years either!!!
Yeah, I know, butch up. but dammit, my husband is dying, my job is f'd up,
everything in my house is either broke, repaired or soon to break. and all I
want to do is EAT!!! This morning I have had 3/4 c old fashioned outmeal

{{{{{{{{{{ LORI }}}}}}}}}}

I wish I could say or do something to help you, but, as you said, no one knows
what it's like for you right now, and this is not the first major blow you've had
to deal with. We can listen, though. I'm sending positive, even-keeled vibes
your way.

--
Saffire
205/149/125 - 5'1.5"
Atkins since 6/14/03
Progress photo: http://photos.yahoo.com/saffire333

Hang in there, Lori.

Hang in there, Lori.

Lorelei wrote:

Yeah, I know, butch up.

dude, even i - the alleged meanest of the meanies here - would not tell
you to butch up in your situation. you're dealing with a hell of a lot
and i don't think any sane person would blame you if you didn't feel
like hardcore dieting and exercising right now.

Lorelei wrote:

Yeah, I know, butch up.

dude, even i - the alleged meanest of the meanies here - would not tell
you to butch up in your situation. you're dealing with a hell of a lot
and i don't think any sane person would blame you if you didn't feel
like hardcore dieting and exercising right now.

Have a good cry, surround yourself with as many good friends as possible,
don't try to think too hard ....your brain is going to shut down. Nothing
will seem important right now except the life of your loved one.

I lost my 18 yr old son 4 yrs ago on 9-11 .
Took me 2 years to feel half way normal .

Hang in there !!! ...After all there's nothing else you can do .

Peter (Warp100)