Worried about my girlfriend (Any way to encourage an obese person to want to lose weight)

Hello,

I've been looking at this newsgroup for a while now and have finally decided
to post.

Basically I have a girlfriend who is very overweight, A size 24 in UK terms,
not sure what that is elsewhere. Not a clue what her weight is because she
wont allow us to have scales in the house but I would say she is around 18
stone at 5"2.

The trouble is that I can't approach her on the subject because the first
time i mention it she will change the subject quickly and if i mention it
again then im "going on" and we end up having an arguement and not speaking
for the rest of the day. She says that the more i mention it the more she is
likely to eat or get upset so I say nothing but I dearly love her and am
VERY concerned. I'm worried she will go on to get diabetes (which ultimately
killed my father) or heart disease but with her the urgency isnt there since
she would probably not get these things until she's "older".

I realise that she isnt ever going to be stick thin, and I dont want her to
be, but we both know that at the moment she is very overweight. If she could
manage to go down a few sizes (or weight if i could convince her to get some
scales) i know she would be far healthier.

Is there anything I can do to encourage her to lose weight or do i just sit
back and watch my lovely baby getting more and more at risk of disease.

Thankyou for whatever thoughts you can offer.

Dan

"Dan B" wrote in message
...
Hello,

I've been looking at this newsgroup for a while now and have finally
decided
to post.

Basically I have a girlfriend who is very overweight, A size 24 in UK
terms,
not sure what that is elsewhere. Not a clue what her weight is because she
wont allow us to have scales in the house but I would say she is around 18
stone at 5"2.

The trouble is that I can't approach her on the subject because the first
time i mention it she will change the subject quickly and if i mention it
again then im "going on" and we end up having an arguement and not
speaking
for the rest of the day. She says that the more i mention it the more she
is
likely to eat or get upset so I say nothing but I dearly love her and am
VERY concerned. I'm worried she will go on to get diabetes (which
ultimately
killed my father) or heart disease but with her the urgency isnt there
since
she would probably not get these things until she's "older".

I realise that she isnt ever going to be stick thin, and I dont want her
to
be, but we both know that at the moment she is very overweight. If she
could
manage to go down a few sizes (or weight if i could convince her to get
some
scales) i know she would be far healthier.

Is there anything I can do to encourage her to lose weight or do i just
sit
back and watch my lovely baby getting more and more at risk of disease.

Thankyou for whatever thoughts you can offer.

Dan



Just a few details...

Neither of us drink or smoke at all.

She seems to have always been overweight in photos and as far as i know
hasnt tried to diet before.

She had a motorbike accident when she was younger and went for a long period
of being out of work which didnt help matters.

She cant really do running or jogging because her legs though healed now
were smashed up pretty bad in her accident and cause her pain if used too
much.

Her father is very slim but her mother is fairly large though not as large
and her brother though very tall is rather fat.

"Dan B" wrote in message
...

"Dan B" wrote in message
...
Hello,

I've been looking at this newsgroup for a while now and have finally
decided
to post.

Basically I have a girlfriend who is very overweight, A size 24 in UK
terms,
not sure what that is elsewhere. Not a clue what her weight is because
she
wont allow us to have scales in the house but I would say she is around
18
stone at 5"2.

The trouble is that I can't approach her on the subject because the
first
time i mention it she will change the subject quickly and if i mention
it
again then im "going on" and we end up having an arguement and not
speaking
for the rest of the day. She says that the more i mention it the more
she
is
likely to eat or get upset so I say nothing but I dearly love her and am
VERY concerned. I'm worried she will go on to get diabetes (which
ultimately
killed my father) or heart disease but with her the urgency isnt there
since
she would probably not get these things until she's "older".

I realise that she isnt ever going to be stick thin, and I dont want her
to
be, but we both know that at the moment she is very overweight. If she
could
manage to go down a few sizes (or weight if i could convince her to get
some
scales) i know she would be far healthier.

Is there anything I can do to encourage her to lose weight or do i just
sit
back and watch my lovely baby getting more and more at risk of disease.

Thankyou for whatever thoughts you can offer.

Dan



Just a few details...

Neither of us drink or smoke at all.

She seems to have always been overweight in photos and as far as i know
hasnt tried to diet before.

She had a motorbike accident when she was younger and went for a long
period
of being out of work which didnt help matters.

She cant really do running or jogging because her legs though healed now
were smashed up pretty bad in her accident and cause her pain if used too
much.

Her father is very slim but her mother is fairly large though not as large
and her brother though very tall is rather fat.



Touchy subject there Dan, Damned if you do, damned if you don't. When
was the last time your girlfriend had a checkup with a doctor? Getting her
bloodwork done for cholesterol, sugars, etc? And what about heart
monitoring? In otherwords - how is her health?

On one hand, approaching her when she's not ready can be detrimental to her
self esteem and your relationship. On the other hand, if you don't, she
could end up with serious health issues in the future.

And finally - if she were to lose the weight, then alot of her aches and
pains from the accident will probably subside or go away. The extra weight
is putting that much more strain on her body.

But the thing is - if you tell her this, she probably will take it to mean
that you don't love her because she's fat. Of course, you in your mind,
know that you fell in love with her when she was heavy, so obviously her
weight doesn't matter to you in the form of sexappeal and love. But you
really want her around for a long time and are concerned about her health.
But for many woman, the only thing they will hear when you say this is that
you don't love them and aren't attracted to them because they are fat.
(men are from mars... and whatnot)

For people to actually come to terms and lose weight usually takes them
hitting rock bottom for them. For some its seeing a family member die from
obesity. For others its simply not fitting into the old clothes any more.
But for others even the doctor diagnosing them with diabetes or other
obesity related diseases won't even kick them into gear.

Sorry, I guess I'm saying I don't know how to help you get to your girlfrien
d. She's got to want to do this for herself. Something has to trigger
her. But you talking to her about it isn't going to work.

Tell her she may not get "older" because she could have a
heart attack or fatal stroke first. Make sure she understands
that you want her to be healthy so she can be around for a
long time. Get her started by taking her out for walks and
get her on some (senior moment -- blade skates???). Anything
to start an exercise program. Both of you have to do it.
Skinny people who don't exercise aren't healthy either.

Since you appear to be living together, start to change how
both of you eat. Cut back on the amount of crisps you buy,
also pizzas and fish-and-chips. Buy more fruit and veg.
Cut back on deep-frying.

Dan B wrote:

Hello,

I've been looking at this newsgroup for a while now and have finally decided
to post.

Basically I have a girlfriend who is very overweight, A size 24 in UK terms,
not sure what that is elsewhere. Not a clue what her weight is because she
wont allow us to have scales in the house but I would say she is around 18
stone at 5"2.

The trouble is that I can't approach her on the subject because the first
time i mention it she will change the subject quickly and if i mention it
again then im "going on" and we end up having an arguement and not speaking
for the rest of the day. She says that the more i mention it the more she is
likely to eat or get upset so I say nothing but I dearly love her and am
VERY concerned. I'm worried she will go on to get diabetes (which ultimately
killed my father) or heart disease but with her the urgency isnt there since
she would probably not get these things until she's "older".

I realise that she isnt ever going to be stick thin, and I dont want her to
be, but we both know that at the moment she is very overweight. If she could
manage to go down a few sizes (or weight if i could convince her to get some
scales) i know she would be far healthier.

Is there anything I can do to encourage her to lose weight or do i just sit
back and watch my lovely baby getting more and more at risk of disease.

Thankyou for whatever thoughts you can offer.

Dan

"JayJay" wrote in message
...

"Dan B" wrote in message
...

"Dan B" wrote in message
...
Hello,

I've been looking at this newsgroup for a while now and have finally
decided
to post.

Basically I have a girlfriend who is very overweight, A size 24 in UK
terms,
not sure what that is elsewhere. Not a clue what her weight is because
she
wont allow us to have scales in the house but I would say she is
around
18
stone at 5"2.

The trouble is that I can't approach her on the subject because the
first
time i mention it she will change the subject quickly and if i mention
it
again then im "going on" and we end up having an arguement and not
speaking
for the rest of the day. She says that the more i mention it the more
she
is
likely to eat or get upset so I say nothing but I dearly love her and
am
VERY concerned. I'm worried she will go on to get diabetes (which
ultimately
killed my father) or heart disease but with her the urgency isnt there
since
she would probably not get these things until she's "older".

I realise that she isnt ever going to be stick thin, and I dont want
her
to
be, but we both know that at the moment she is very overweight. If she
could
manage to go down a few sizes (or weight if i could convince her to
get
some
scales) i know she would be far healthier.

Is there anything I can do to encourage her to lose weight or do i
just
sit
back and watch my lovely baby getting more and more at risk of
disease.

Thankyou for whatever thoughts you can offer.

Dan



Just a few details...

Neither of us drink or smoke at all.

She seems to have always been overweight in photos and as far as i know
hasnt tried to diet before.

She had a motorbike accident when she was younger and went for a long
period
of being out of work which didnt help matters.

She cant really do running or jogging because her legs though healed now
were smashed up pretty bad in her accident and cause her pain if used
too
much.

Her father is very slim but her mother is fairly large though not as
large
and her brother though very tall is rather fat.



Touchy subject there Dan, Damned if you do, damned if you don't. When
was the last time your girlfriend had a checkup with a doctor? Getting
her
bloodwork done for cholesterol, sugars, etc? And what about heart
monitoring? In otherwords - how is her health?

On one hand, approaching her when she's not ready can be detrimental to
her
self esteem and your relationship. On the other hand, if you don't, she
could end up with serious health issues in the future.

And finally - if she were to lose the weight, then alot of her aches and
pains from the accident will probably subside or go away. The extra
weight
is putting that much more strain on her body.

But the thing is - if you tell her this, she probably will take it to mean
that you don't love her because she's fat. Of course, you in your mind,
know that you fell in love with her when she was heavy, so obviously her
weight doesn't matter to you in the form of sexappeal and love. But you
really want her around for a long time and are concerned about her health.
But for many woman, the only thing they will hear when you say this is
that
you don't love them and aren't attracted to them because they are fat.
(men are from mars... and whatnot)

For people to actually come to terms and lose weight usually takes them
hitting rock bottom for them. For some its seeing a family member die
from
obesity. For others its simply not fitting into the old clothes any
more.
But for others even the doctor diagnosing them with diabetes or other
obesity related diseases won't even kick them into gear.

Sorry, I guess I'm saying I don't know how to help you get to your
girlfrien
d. She's got to want to do this for herself. Something has to trigger
her. But you talking to her about it isn't going to work.

I echo what JJ says. You can't get your gf to do something she doesn't want
to do and by trying to talk to her about it just means that she is going to
start feeling like she's no longer good enough for you.

Here's what you CAN do though. Try leading a more active lifestyle and take
her with you. Maybe she won't see it so much as you trying to get her in
shape and see it more as the two of you spending time together that just
happens to be activity oriented. For example. Take a hike (I realized you
said she has leg problems but even a leisurely walk would help). Take a
bike ride. Try a game of paintball (one thought with activities is be
mindful of situations she may feel embarrassed in as in paintball.. jackets
that you need to wear may not fit her and she'll feel bad and embarrassed at
that). Any activity that will get your heart pumping (and remember it takes
less to get her heart pumping) will help. Perhaps when she starts feeling
better she'll make the connection. Another thing you can do is don't enable
her to overeat (but don't say anything if she does). Don't bring in junk
food or foods you know would not be good for her (if she buys them herself
that's another matter). Try not to center activities you do with her
around eating, and if it must be done, then choose healthier option (if
possible and for example.. subway instead of mcdonalds).

Don't try to change her, that has to come from her. Only she can change
herself. What you can do is to give her the healthiest choices possible,
when possible.

Good luck to you and hopefully she will realize that you're doing this all
because you love her.

Dan, I'll echo what the others have said. It probably won't help to
bring up the subject with her. And she's right, it's likely to just
push her to overeat -- both out of defensiveness and out of hurt. But
do try to do more active things with her and to make your activities
less food centered.

I don't know how much walking is comfortable for her, but even things
like shopping or visiting a museum will get her moving a bit. And do
you all do any water sports? Swimming, snorkeling, or just playing
around in the water should be easy on her legs. How about horseback
riding? It gets you out in the nice weather and burns some calories.
Or are there any children in your lives -- nieces, nephews, neighbors,
friends' kids? Just playing around with kids is a good way to be more
active. Once she starts using her body, she might have a desire to be
a bit more fit.

Do you go to a gym? Perhaps she might like to try some weightlifting
-- not from the standpoint of weighloss, but just to build some
strength. I started lifting when I was heavy -- and initially got
heavier because I ate more while I was building muscle. And I also
got very good at it, and started competing and doing well. (I am, by
the way, a 55-year-old woman.) What got me to decide to lose weight,
finally, was that hanging around with all the people in the gym made
me aware of the aspects of fitness that I was lacking, and I decided I
wanted to be more lean, flexible, and overall fit, rather than just
strong. And because I already had a personal trainer just for
strength coaching, he was able to help me with weightloss -- once I
decided to do it. Before that, though, he never pushed it.

I started at 262 lbs. and am now at 177 -- after about 14 months. Not
a terribly fast rate of loss, but steady and consistent. I'm happy
with it, but it definitely had to be my choice and not anyone else's.
(I am married, but it's nothing my husband would have ever mentioned.)

Chris

Since you appear to be living together, start to change how
both of you eat. Cut back on the amount of crisps you buy,
also pizzas and fish-and-chips. Buy more fruit and veg.
Cut back on deep-frying.

Aye, change the way both of you eat. But I don't like your choice of
language there. I would say stop buying crisps, pizzas and fish and chips.
Throw out your deep frier. You don't need these things. I obviously don't
know a great deal about your diets, but if you own a deep fat frier it
doesn't help. Anything that is fried (think of the famous Scottish Mars Bar
Supper) is really bad for you. Of course you can have anything in
moderation, but make it so you only have fried things when you're out.
You'll probably find that your tastes change though and would prefer
healthier options from choice rather than necessity

Drink more water and if you like fizzy juice, buy the diet kind. It's not
the same, but your tastes change to it.

These are very simple things, and I know I may be preaching to the
converted, but they are still worth bearing in mind.

MadJock
204/196/170

know that you fell in love with her when she was heavy, so obviously her
weight doesn't matter to you in the form of sexappeal and love. But you
really want her around for a long time and are concerned about her health.
But for many woman, the only thing they will hear when you say this is
that
you don't love them and aren't attracted to them because they are fat.
(men are from mars... and whatnot)

For people to actually come to terms and lose weight usually takes them
hitting rock bottom for them. For some its seeing a family member die
from
obesity. For others its simply not fitting into the old clothes any
more.
But for others even the doctor diagnosing them with diabetes or other
obesity related diseases won't even kick them into gear.

Sorry, I guess I'm saying I don't know how to help you get to your
girlfrien
d. She's got to want to do this for herself. Something has to trigger
her. But you talking to her about it isn't going to work.





Trouble is I think she doesn't think she has enough time in the day to do
anything like swimming since she has a full time job so exercising apart
from taking the dog for a walk which we already do is out of the question.

Also we eat pretty healthily only we do eat quite a lot so I cant think that
she'll be thinking theres much she can do about her weight.

I just wish I could get her to go to the gym or something because I know
when I used to do it my life changed in the way that I enjoyed it as a new
hobby. I have told her shed enjoy it but she wont have it. I think she
thinks ( even though ive told her otherwise ) that the gym is full of tanned
skinny girls so shed feel embarassed. Maybe.

"Patricia Heil" wrote in message
...
Tell her she may not get "older" because she could have a
heart attack or fatal stroke first. Make sure she understands
that you want her to be healthy so she can be around for a
long time. Get her started by taking her out for walks and
get her on some (senior moment -- blade skates???). Anything
to start an exercise program. Both of you have to do it.
Skinny people who don't exercise aren't healthy either.


I have a fairly active job and like to work out at home and do on the odd
occasion jog. None of these things shes interested in though.

We did get a little doggy about 5 weeks ago and have been taking her for
walks most nights so i think there must be something happening.

Also a good few months back I caught her at a good time and we ended up
really watching what we bought in the supermarket. Its kind of stayed that
way....

We were going swimming in the summer because we were both unemployed at the
same time and i definately saw that she had lost a bit of weight after
around 2 weeks of swimming.

I wish i could persuade her to use the scales. I think shed enjoy seeing the
progress every week.

Dan

On Wed, 1 Oct 2003 14:04:27 +0100, "Dan B"
wrote:

Trouble is I think she doesn't think she has enough time in the day to do
anything like swimming since she has a full time job so exercising apart
from taking the dog for a walk which we already do is out of the question.

How much time does her work take up? Most of us on this list have
full time jobs and still find time to exercise. And you can always do
some activities on weekends. Maybe you just gradually start making
some changes. Any change is better than none. And even just
beginning to reverse her weight gain trend, however slowly, will have
benefit.

Chris