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"Hidden Benefits of Body Size" (whoops, kind of long)



 
 
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  #1  
Old December 9th, 2004, 04:18 PM
Mary M/Ohio
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Default "Hidden Benefits of Body Size" (whoops, kind of long)

I was intrigued with the idea when I first heard it a few years ago (from
Dr. Phil, I think) -- that we remain overweight for some "payoff" reason
that is usually unconscious. I had a hard time with that one, feeling as
though I would do anything to be thin, and hated being fat. Yet despite *22
years* of trying to get below 200, making more effort toward losing weight
than anyone else I knew, I couldn't do it. Now that I'm reading "The
Solution" by Laurel Mellin, I'm reminded of this concept because there's a
section in there called "The Hidden Benefits of Body Size." I found it
intriguing enough to quote here and hope it will spark some thought and
conversation:

"Maintaining a body size larger than our biologic comfort zone is how we
send wordless messages to others. Even if we spend years dieting and
sweating off pounds, this voice will express itself through a relentless
sabotage that results in weight staying rock solid.

"Little or none of this is conscious. We don't *purposely* sabotage our
healthy eating and scuttle our exercise plans to keep our weight high, *but
it may still be happening.* We seem to spontaneously regain the weight
without really knowing why.

"What is our challenge? To give that voice words and sound so that it can
speak directly and stop expressing itself through extra weight."

Then it goes on and gives examples of case studies of people who used their
weight to say, "I don't want you to know me. Stay away." or "I feel
powerless. Taking up space gives me power." or "Don't expect too much from
me." None of these reasons was realized consciously, and some of the people
were "aghast" to find out what they were using their weight to say.

There's also a box with many common messages people use:

"What does your weight say for you?

"Don't notice me.
I am not important.
I am powerful.
I feel powerless.
I am a good mother.
Feel sorry for me.
I don't want sex.
I am stable and dependable.
Don't mess with me.
Don't expect too much of me.
I am not perfect.
Stay away from me.
I feel angry.
I am afraid to be all I can be.
I am not worthy.
I have given up.
I am loyal to my family.
I don't want to grow up.
I don't want you to judge me.
I reject you.
I need space.
I need love."

I immediately recognized, "I don't want to grow up," and perhaps "I need
space," as well as "I need love" and a few more. I want to examine more of
these and see which apply -- indeed that's what the author suggests:

"Obviously, our weight speaks to the world in paragraphs, not just
sentences. If you maintain a slight distance ... saying to yourself, "I
wonder what my weight says for me now?" you'll probably come back to this
question over and over again, and come up with a different answer each time.
All the sentiments that your weight communicates for you can be brought to
your awareness and expressed verbally. Each time you use words, not your
weight, to express yourself, you'll *need* the extra weight less. Then it
becomes easier and easier to attain the weight you've determined is best for
your health and happiness."

If this rings a bell for any of you, I highly recommend borrowing this book
from the library. Again, it's "The Solution" by Laurel Mellin.

Mary M
325-163-145


  #2  
Old December 9th, 2004, 05:05 PM
Dally
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default

Mary M/Ohio wrote:
I was intrigued with the idea when I first heard it a few years ago (from
Dr. Phil, I think) -- that we remain overweight for some "payoff" reason
that is usually unconscious. I had a hard time with that one, feeling as
though I would do anything to be thin, and hated being fat. Yet despite *22
years* of trying to get below 200, making more effort toward losing weight
than anyone else I knew, I couldn't do it. Now that I'm reading "The
Solution" by Laurel Mellin, I'm reminded of this concept because there's a
section in there called "The Hidden Benefits of Body Size."


I found the same concept in the book "Fattitudes" by Willard. It was a
really useful exercise for me to go through and list the benefits of
being fat. I did it online, actually, and it was horribly revealing.
Even worse because one of the guys on MFW saw it here and thought it was
hilarious and cross-posted it over to MFW so they could laugh at me.

It was painful. But useful.

The exercise is so useful because it makes you stare the issues straight
in the eye and not let them go unexamined on their way to undermine and
sabotage you. Every problem has a solution, but the solutions are
terribly difficult to work out if you can't even define the problem!

I think we really have to acknowledge the truth that there are good
things about being fat. For example, you get to lie around on the couch
eating bon bons in the evening! I had to face the sad fact that I had
to give up lethargy and eating-for-entertainment if I wanted to stop
being fat. That's a significant choice and I have to make it over and
over again. Would that be possible if I didn't acknowledge the
sacrifice? Wouldn't resentment and sabotage occur if the loss weren't
faced?

By the way, I just finised reading "Passing for Thin" by Frances Kuffel
and it was an astonishingly good book. It's roughly broken down into
three sections: "The Planet of Fat", "Leaving the Planet of Fat" and
"Arriving at the Planet of Girl." I never got as obese as she did, and
I don't have her food addiction issues in the same sense, but nearly
everything she wrote was familiar. It was an excellent read.

Dally
244/169/165
  #3  
Old December 9th, 2004, 05:27 PM
JMA
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default


Dally wrote:
Mary M/Ohio wrote:
I was intrigued with the idea when I first heard it a few years ago

(from
Dr. Phil, I think) -- that we remain overweight for some "payoff"

reason
that is usually unconscious. I had a hard time with that one,

feeling as
though I would do anything to be thin, and hated being fat. Yet

despite *22
years* of trying to get below 200, making more effort toward losing

weight
than anyone else I knew, I couldn't do it. Now that I'm reading

"The
Solution" by Laurel Mellin, I'm reminded of this concept because

there's a
section in there called "The Hidden Benefits of Body Size."


I found the same concept in the book "Fattitudes" by Willard. It was

a
really useful exercise for me to go through and list the benefits of
being fat. I did it online, actually, and it was horribly revealing.


Even worse because one of the guys on MFW saw it here and thought it

was
hilarious and cross-posted it over to MFW so they could laugh at me.

It was painful. But useful.

The exercise is so useful because it makes you stare the issues

straight
in the eye and not let them go unexamined on their way to undermine

and
sabotage you. Every problem has a solution, but the solutions are
terribly difficult to work out if you can't even define the problem!

I think we really have to acknowledge the truth that there are good
things about being fat. For example, you get to lie around on the

couch
eating bon bons in the evening! I had to face the sad fact that I

had
to give up lethargy and eating-for-entertainment if I wanted to stop
being fat. That's a significant choice and I have to make it over

and
over again. Would that be possible if I didn't acknowledge the
sacrifice? Wouldn't resentment and sabotage occur if the loss

weren't
faced?

By the way, I just finised reading "Passing for Thin" by Frances

Kuffel
and it was an astonishingly good book. It's roughly broken down into


three sections: "The Planet of Fat", "Leaving the Planet of Fat" and
"Arriving at the Planet of Girl." I never got as obese as she did,

and
I don't have her food addiction issues in the same sense, but nearly
everything she wrote was familiar. It was an excellent read.

Dally
244/169/165


I second that it's an excellent book even though I haven't finished it
yet. Speaking of which, I would like to continue the discussion of the
Thin For Life book, I just haven't had the time lately to put together
a coherent thought with things all crazy around here. I plan on
following up soon, maybe tackling keys 2-5 right off the bat this
weekend for those still interested.

Jenn

  #4  
Old December 9th, 2004, 05:27 PM
JMA
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default


Dally wrote:
Mary M/Ohio wrote:
I was intrigued with the idea when I first heard it a few years ago

(from
Dr. Phil, I think) -- that we remain overweight for some "payoff"

reason
that is usually unconscious. I had a hard time with that one,

feeling as
though I would do anything to be thin, and hated being fat. Yet

despite *22
years* of trying to get below 200, making more effort toward losing

weight
than anyone else I knew, I couldn't do it. Now that I'm reading

"The
Solution" by Laurel Mellin, I'm reminded of this concept because

there's a
section in there called "The Hidden Benefits of Body Size."


I found the same concept in the book "Fattitudes" by Willard. It was

a
really useful exercise for me to go through and list the benefits of
being fat. I did it online, actually, and it was horribly revealing.


Even worse because one of the guys on MFW saw it here and thought it

was
hilarious and cross-posted it over to MFW so they could laugh at me.

It was painful. But useful.

The exercise is so useful because it makes you stare the issues

straight
in the eye and not let them go unexamined on their way to undermine

and
sabotage you. Every problem has a solution, but the solutions are
terribly difficult to work out if you can't even define the problem!

I think we really have to acknowledge the truth that there are good
things about being fat. For example, you get to lie around on the

couch
eating bon bons in the evening! I had to face the sad fact that I

had
to give up lethargy and eating-for-entertainment if I wanted to stop
being fat. That's a significant choice and I have to make it over

and
over again. Would that be possible if I didn't acknowledge the
sacrifice? Wouldn't resentment and sabotage occur if the loss

weren't
faced?

By the way, I just finised reading "Passing for Thin" by Frances

Kuffel
and it was an astonishingly good book. It's roughly broken down into


three sections: "The Planet of Fat", "Leaving the Planet of Fat" and
"Arriving at the Planet of Girl." I never got as obese as she did,

and
I don't have her food addiction issues in the same sense, but nearly
everything she wrote was familiar. It was an excellent read.

Dally
244/169/165


I second that it's an excellent book even though I haven't finished it
yet. Speaking of which, I would like to continue the discussion of the
Thin For Life book, I just haven't had the time lately to put together
a coherent thought with things all crazy around here. I plan on
following up soon, maybe tackling keys 2-5 right off the bat this
weekend for those still interested.

Jenn

  #5  
Old December 9th, 2004, 05:32 PM
Chris
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default

I've also recently read Passing for Thin. I agree that it's very good,
and very thought-provoking. I also don't have the same sort of
addiction issues, but the issues of changing self-image are very real
to me and are very well handled in the book.

After reading what Mary wrote, I'm going to go over to amazon and order
"The Solution". I really fascinated by the self-image aspect of all
this right now. I am very used to self-identifying as a large person,
and I find I still do that. Some of the messages that I felt my size
conveyed about me we "I am powerful", "I am strong", "I am an
intellectual heavyweight -- someone to be taken seriously", "I am not
superficial in my values and don't care what others think". (I know
these aren't all from the list in the book, which I don't have in front
of me when composing this anyway.)

I still have a lot of difficult thinking of myself as a fairly small
person, which I really am right now. When I'm shopping for clothing, I
find it very strange to go to the smallest end of the rack. Oddly,
though, size 6 clothes don't look small to me -- they just sort of look
like "my size" -- no different than a size 22 used to look to me when I
looked at it. Of course, now if I look at a 22 it seems really big,
but somehow inside my head I don't really feel much different. I
suppose this is changing a bit over time and will continue to; we shall
see :-).

Chris

  #6  
Old December 9th, 2004, 05:51 PM
Gal Called J.J.
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default

One time on Usenet, "Mary M/Ohio"
said:

snip

"What does your weight say for you?

"Don't notice me.
I am not important.
I am powerful.
I feel powerless.
I am a good mother.
Feel sorry for me.
I don't want sex.
I am stable and dependable.
Don't mess with me.
Don't expect too much of me.
I am not perfect.
Stay away from me.
I feel angry.
I am afraid to be all I can be.
I am not worthy.
I have given up.
I am loyal to my family.
I don't want to grow up.
I don't want you to judge me.
I reject you.
I need space.
I need love."


I recognize a couple of those in myself -- thanks, Mary, quite
an eye-opener...


--
J.J. in WA * 275/230
  #7  
Old December 9th, 2004, 05:51 PM
Gal Called J.J.
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default

One time on Usenet, "Mary M/Ohio"
said:

snip

"What does your weight say for you?

"Don't notice me.
I am not important.
I am powerful.
I feel powerless.
I am a good mother.
Feel sorry for me.
I don't want sex.
I am stable and dependable.
Don't mess with me.
Don't expect too much of me.
I am not perfect.
Stay away from me.
I feel angry.
I am afraid to be all I can be.
I am not worthy.
I have given up.
I am loyal to my family.
I don't want to grow up.
I don't want you to judge me.
I reject you.
I need space.
I need love."


I recognize a couple of those in myself -- thanks, Mary, quite
an eye-opener...


--
J.J. in WA * 275/230
  #8  
Old December 9th, 2004, 07:47 PM
Beverly
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default


"JMA" wrote in message
oups.com...


Speaking of which, I would like to continue the discussion of the
Thin For Life book, I just haven't had the time lately to put together
a coherent thought with things all crazy around here. I plan on
following up soon, maybe tackling keys 2-5 right off the bat this
weekend for those still interested.

Jenn


I'm still interested. I just haven't had much time for reading in the past
couple weeks.

Beverly


  #9  
Old December 9th, 2004, 08:54 PM
Carol Frilegh
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default

In article , Gal Called J.J.
wrote:

One time on Usenet, "Mary M/Ohio"
said:

snip

"What does your weight loss say for you?

"Notice I don't look different from most others.
It's not about me

I am in charge of myself.
I feel competent
I am a good mother. NOT!
Don't feel sorry for me.
I still don't want sex.
I am stable and dependable.
Don't mess with me.
I expect to live up to my commitments
I don't need to be perfect.
Respect my boundaries
I feel angry when it's appropriate.
I strive to be all I can be.
I am worthy.
I have not given up.
I am loyal to myself first
I like being grown up.
I was not put in this world to live up to your expectations.
I will level with you when things bother me about our relationship
Sometimes I need space and solitude.
I enjoy love, acceptance and praise, but am not addicted to them"

--
Diva
*****
The Best Man For The Job Is A Woman
  #10  
Old December 9th, 2004, 08:54 PM
Carol Frilegh
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default

In article , Gal Called J.J.
wrote:

One time on Usenet, "Mary M/Ohio"
said:

snip

"What does your weight loss say for you?

"Notice I don't look different from most others.
It's not about me

I am in charge of myself.
I feel competent
I am a good mother. NOT!
Don't feel sorry for me.
I still don't want sex.
I am stable and dependable.
Don't mess with me.
I expect to live up to my commitments
I don't need to be perfect.
Respect my boundaries
I feel angry when it's appropriate.
I strive to be all I can be.
I am worthy.
I have not given up.
I am loyal to myself first
I like being grown up.
I was not put in this world to live up to your expectations.
I will level with you when things bother me about our relationship
Sometimes I need space and solitude.
I enjoy love, acceptance and praise, but am not addicted to them"

--
Diva
*****
The Best Man For The Job Is A Woman
 




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