Worried about my girlfriend (Any way to encourage an obese person to want to lose weight)

Dear Dan B.,

I don't know the age of your girlfriend, but from the information you
provide she is probably under 35 years of age.

This may sound counterintuitive but you must take steps to accept her
at the size she is now. Because if she is happy at her present size,
she probably may have time and again thought you have been nagging
her, even though I admire her strength of character for changing the
subject, dominating the conversation, and using the silent treatment
on you.

You may have not gotten her right message. Which is: If she wants to
try to lose weight again, she will do it IF and WHEN she is ready.

However, importantly, assuming you are of a similar age you are in an
enviable position to keep her busy and, as we Americans say, "out
there", which means being where other young people are. Not where the
stakes are ultrahigh like at a bar where chic people dance or at a
crowded beach; but at, say, rock concerts, walking in the park, art
openings, museums, zoos, whatever. Too busy to eat, and, ultimately,
too tired to eat, sometimes. This is called behavior modification.

If she expresses the least bit of interest in losing weight, run with
it. Try to work with her dieting; but if you can't, don't need to, or
won't, neither taunt her with food nor hang back.

(Example of hanging back borderline-too much: I once had a pudgy
boyfriend, who after nagging me to lose weight for months, finally
stopped.

I'd suddenly expressed an idle interest in managing (NOT losing)
weight with a weight loss support group, nothing more. I was 36 years
old, and passive as hell, not like your girlfriend (more power to
her!) With lightning speed, he was on the new project like white on
rice. He'd accompanied me to a weight loss support group, paid for
most of my sessions, and then sat in the back doing work he'd taken
home with him until the end-of-meeting 10 minute lite exercise
session--the only part he participated in. He did not lose an ounce,
he wanted *only* a hard-bodied girlfriend. I lost and lost and lost
.... 50 pounds and then maybe another 190 ...

.... We'd broken up later.)


I hope I have given you food for thought.



Tina
226/197/146/143

Balanced
Three pounds above my goal
and wanting to maintain that



"Dan B" wrote in message ...
"Dan B" wrote in message
...
Hello,

I've been looking at this newsgroup for a while now and have finally
decided
to post.

Basically I have a girlfriend who is very overweight, A size 24 in UK
terms,
not sure what that is elsewhere. Not a clue what her weight is because she
wont allow us to have scales in the house but I would say she is around 18
stone at 5"2.

The trouble is that I can't approach her on the subject because the first
time i mention it she will change the subject quickly and if i mention it
again then im "going on" and we end up having an arguement and not
speaking
for the rest of the day. She says that the more i mention it the more she
is
likely to eat or get upset so I say nothing but I dearly love her and am
VERY concerned. I'm worried she will go on to get diabetes (which
ultimately
killed my father) or heart disease but with her the urgency isnt there
since
she would probably not get these things until she's "older".

I realise that she isnt ever going to be stick thin, and I dont want her
to
be, but we both know that at the moment she is very overweight. If she
could
manage to go down a few sizes (or weight if i could convince her to get
some
scales) i know she would be far healthier.

Is there anything I can do to encourage her to lose weight or do i just
sit
back and watch my lovely baby getting more and more at risk of disease.

Thankyou for whatever thoughts you can offer.

Dan



Just a few details...

Neither of us drink or smoke at all.

She seems to have always been overweight in photos and as far as i know
hasnt tried to diet before.

She had a motorbike accident when she was younger and went for a long period
of being out of work which didnt help matters.

She cant really do running or jogging because her legs though healed now
were smashed up pretty bad in her accident and cause her pain if used too
much.

Her father is very slim but her mother is fairly large though not as large
and her brother though very tall is rather fat.

While I know you want the best for her, I have to agree with what many
others have said here. Tread very gently and don't make an issue of
her weight.
I still feel damaged 40 years on from the hostile attitude my parents
took when I first gained weight (and I'm talking about reaching
around 170 lb, nothing like I got to later on). I couldn't handle it
if my DH were to say anything critical, although he's lived with many
many efforts on my part to subdue my weight, and has never criticised
me for which I am truly grateful.

janice
233/161/133

On Wed, 1 Oct 2003 10:39:40 +0100, "Dan B"
wrote:

Hello,

I've been looking at this newsgroup for a while now and have finally decided
to post.

Basically I have a girlfriend who is very overweight, A size 24 in UK terms,
not sure what that is elsewhere. Not a clue what her weight is because she
wont allow us to have scales in the house but I would say she is around 18
stone at 5"2.

The trouble is that I can't approach her on the subject because the first
time i mention it she will change the subject quickly and if i mention it
again then im "going on" and we end up having an arguement and not speaking
for the rest of the day. She says that the more i mention it the more she is
likely to eat or get upset so I say nothing but I dearly love her and am
VERY concerned. I'm worried she will go on to get diabetes (which ultimately
killed my father) or heart disease but with her the urgency isnt there since
she would probably not get these things until she's "older".

I realise that she isnt ever going to be stick thin, and I dont want her to
be, but we both know that at the moment she is very overweight. If she could
manage to go down a few sizes (or weight if i could convince her to get some
scales) i know she would be far healthier.

Is there anything I can do to encourage her to lose weight or do i just sit
back and watch my lovely baby getting more and more at risk of disease.

Thankyou for whatever thoughts you can offer.

Dan

"Dan B" wrote in message
...
Hello,

I've been looking at this newsgroup for a while now and have finally
decided
to post.

Basically I have a girlfriend who is very overweight, A size 24 in UK
terms,
not sure what that is elsewhere. Not a clue what her weight is because she
wont allow us to have scales in the house but I would say she is around 18
stone at 5"2.

The trouble is that I can't approach her on the subject because the first
time i mention it she will change the subject quickly and if i mention it
again then im "going on" and we end up having an arguement and not
speaking
for the rest of the day. She says that the more i mention it the more she
is
likely to eat or get upset so I say nothing but I dearly love her and am
VERY concerned. I'm worried she will go on to get diabetes (which
ultimately
killed my father) or heart disease but with her the urgency isnt there
since
she would probably not get these things until she's "older".

I realise that she isnt ever going to be stick thin, and I dont want her
to
be, but we both know that at the moment she is very overweight. If she
could
manage to go down a few sizes (or weight if i could convince her to get
some
scales) i know she would be far healthier.

Is there anything I can do to encourage her to lose weight or do i just
sit
back and watch my lovely baby getting more and more at risk of disease.

Thankyou for whatever thoughts you can offer.

The old adage, "you can lead a horse to water....yada yada...." Seriously,
it's true. I think that the best thing you can do for her is to adopt a new
lifestyle yourself - eat healthy, shop healthy, exercise religiously. Set a
good example, but don't force it on her. She may see the changes in you -
more energy, slimmer appearance, etc, and decide that she wants that for
herself also.

And if she doesn't, it sounds like the lifestyle change wouldn't hurt you
either...

det

On Wed, 01 Oct 2003 22:14:48 +0100, (janice) wrote:

While I know you want the best for her, I have to agree with what many
others have said here. Tread very gently and don't make an issue of
her weight.
I still feel damaged 40 years on from the hostile attitude my parents
took when I first gained weight (and I'm talking about reaching
around 170 lb, nothing like I got to later on). I couldn't handle it
if my DH were to say anything critical, although he's lived with many
many efforts on my part to subdue my weight, and has never criticised
me for which I am truly grateful.


Gosh, no kidding. My parents were unhappy (particularly my mother),
when I was a mere 140 pounds in high school. I felt unloved totally. I
felt unacceptable. It was horrible. It did not make me want to diet.

Conversely, having found a good man who loves me and whom I love, I am
quite happy to moderate my choices, cook decent meals and get some
regular exercise. Because, we only have so many years on this planet
and I want to enjoy them with my guy. Fortunately, he feels the same
way.

Love her, see if you can set some good examples, or cook slightly
smaller meals... but not in such a way that she feels criticism of
her choices behind what you are doing.

Or, if you can't deal with the fact that her choices may eventually
lead to serious health consequences... now may be the time to consider
what you truly want in a life partner. Harsh words, but if this is
making you worried and unhappy now, realize that there is a chance she
will never change.

In article , George
wrote:


Gosh, no kidding. My parents were unhappy (particularly my mother),
when I was a mere 140 pounds in high school. I felt unloved totally. I
felt unacceptable. It was horrible. It did not make me want to diet.

Conversely, having found a good man who loves me and whom I love, I am
quite happy to moderate my choices, cook decent meals and get some
regular exercise. Because, we only have so many years on this planet
and I want to enjoy them with my guy. Fortunately, he feels the same
way.

Is george your real name?

On Thu, 02 Oct 2003 18:16:40 -0400, Carol Frilegh
wrote:


Is george your real name?

I think this is Cynthia, Carol. but I have to confess I'm getting very
confused as we also have a new poster called George who is a man.
Cynthia, if you post under the name of George, I'd find it really
helpful if you put your name in the sig line!

janice
233/161/133

On Wed, 1 Oct 2003 10:39:40 +0100, "Dan B"
wrote:

The trouble is that I can't approach her on the subject because the first
time i mention it she will change the subject quickly and if i mention it
again then im "going on" and we end up having an arguement and not speaking
for the rest of the day.

Your girlfriend is going to be overweight until she decides she wants
to do something about it. What makes you think that just because you
don't like it, or even if you're concerned for her health, that she's
going to do something about because of that?

You should drop by an Al Anon meeting some day. They will teach you in
a hurry that you can't control anyone else's life decisions. All you
CAN do is be supportive if the time ever comes that she decides that
she wants to lose weight.

If her body weight is something that bothers you so much that you
can't accept it, then maybe you should get out of the relationship.

That is the only part of this equation that you do control.

Mind you, I'm saying this as someone who has lost weight and kept it
off for six years now. Nonetheless, it's up to your girlfriend to make
the decisions concerning her body weight.


Barbara Hirsch, Publisher
OBESITY MEDS AND RESEARCH NEWS
The latest in obesity research and weight loss drug development
http://www.obesity-news.com/