The Conversation

I have an accquaintence who has a severe weight problem. He's older
than I am, perhaps weighs more than I did at my peak, and is diabetic.
He's been very supportive of my weigh loss. I'd like to pull him aside
and attempt to persuade him to lose weight. I want to tell him that if
I can make progress, he can. I want to help him, providing advice and
encouragement. I want to have a conversation with him and save his
life.

I've had such conversations myself in the past, but on the receiving
side. I recall once at North Penn Chess Club, Fritz stopped skittling
with me and strongly urged me to lose weight. "I'd like to be playing
chess with you 20 years from now. I'm not sure that'l happen if you
don't do something." Unfortunately, in the short term Fritz's gambit
was not succesful. And I don't know if my own gambit described above
will be either. Should I make a move, or not?

Neil
385/304/200

The Historian wrote:
I have an accquaintence who has a severe weight problem. He's older
than I am, perhaps weighs more than I did at my peak, and is diabetic.
He's been very supportive of my weigh loss. I'd like to pull him aside
and attempt to persuade him to lose weight. I want to tell him that if
I can make progress, he can. I want to help him, providing advice and
encouragement. I want to have a conversation with him and save his
life.

I've had such conversations myself in the past, but on the receiving
side. I recall once at North Penn Chess Club, Fritz stopped skittling
with me and strongly urged me to lose weight. "I'd like to be playing
chess with you 20 years from now. I'm not sure that'l happen if you
don't do something." Unfortunately, in the short term Fritz's gambit
was not succesful. And I don't know if my own gambit described above
will be either. Should I make a move, or not?

Neil
385/304/200

Neil, Sure, make the effort. However, until the guy is really ready to
do something
about his weight, you know, as well as everyone else on this NG, that
nothing will
happen. Maybe your conversation with him will be the thing that gets
him thinking
about it.

Phil

Capri wrote:
The Historian wrote:
I have an accquaintence who has a severe weight problem. He's older
than I am, perhaps weighs more than I did at my peak, and is diabetic.
He's been very supportive of my weigh loss. I'd like to pull him aside
and attempt to persuade him to lose weight. I want to tell him that if
I can make progress, he can. I want to help him, providing advice and
encouragement. I want to have a conversation with him and save his
life.

I've had such conversations myself in the past, but on the receiving
side. I recall once at North Penn Chess Club, Fritz stopped skittling
with me and strongly urged me to lose weight. "I'd like to be playing
chess with you 20 years from now. I'm not sure that'l happen if you
don't do something." Unfortunately, in the short term Fritz's gambit
was not succesful. And I don't know if my own gambit described above
will be either. Should I make a move, or not?

Neil
385/304/200

Neil, Sure, make the effort. However, until the guy is really ready to
do something
about his weight, you know, as well as everyone else on this NG, that
nothing will
happen. Maybe your conversation with him will be the thing that gets
him thinking
about it.

Thanks. My fear is that all I'll do is offend him. Or that I lack
credibility on the subject of weight loss since I am still big as a
house.

I do realize that he may continue to be in denial, just as I was. But I
still think I should make an attempt.

Neil
385/304/200

On 22 Jul 2006 16:53:17 -0700, "The Historian"
wrote:

I have an accquaintence who has a severe weight problem. He's older
than I am, perhaps weighs more than I did at my peak, and is diabetic.
He's been very supportive of my weigh loss. I'd like to pull him aside
and attempt to persuade him to lose weight. I want to tell him that if
I can make progress, he can. I want to help him, providing advice and
encouragement. I want to have a conversation with him and save his
life.

I've had such conversations myself in the past, but on the receiving
side. I recall once at North Penn Chess Club, Fritz stopped skittling
with me and strongly urged me to lose weight. "I'd like to be playing
chess with you 20 years from now. I'm not sure that'l happen if you
don't do something." Unfortunately, in the short term Fritz's gambit
was not succesful. And I don't know if my own gambit described above
will be either. Should I make a move, or not?

I would be very hesitant to engage anyone in conversation about their
weight. It's something I wouldn't have taken at all kindly to when I
was heavier, although I was never as overweight as the person you're
describing, and if anything it would have just made me feel worse
about myself.

I would guess that by demonstrating that it is possible to succeed at
losing weight you've already told him more by example than words could
ever do. Like you when Fritz spoke to you, your friend probably isn't
ready to start the journey, and if he isn't then no amount of words
will make a difference as it has to come from inside him. However,
I'll bet you've given him a lot to think about already, even if the
matter hasn't been openly discussed between you. Hopefully, some day
the time will be right for him and then maybe he'll seek your advice.

janice

janice wrote:
On 22 Jul 2006 16:53:17 -0700, "The Historian"
wrote:

I have an accquaintence who has a severe weight problem. He's older
than I am, perhaps weighs more than I did at my peak, and is diabetic.
He's been very supportive of my weigh loss. I'd like to pull him aside
and attempt to persuade him to lose weight. I want to tell him that if
I can make progress, he can. I want to help him, providing advice and
encouragement. I want to have a conversation with him and save his
life.

I've had such conversations myself in the past, but on the receiving
side. I recall once at North Penn Chess Club, Fritz stopped skittling
with me and strongly urged me to lose weight. "I'd like to be playing
chess with you 20 years from now. I'm not sure that'l happen if you
don't do something." Unfortunately, in the short term Fritz's gambit
was not succesful. And I don't know if my own gambit described above
will be either. Should I make a move, or not?

I would be very hesitant to engage anyone in conversation about their
weight. It's something I wouldn't have taken at all kindly to when I
was heavier, although I was never as overweight as the person you're
describing, and if anything it would have just made me feel worse
about myself.

I agree, if I didn't know this person, and he hadn't said anything
about my weight loss. The fact he's spoken with me about it gives me
confidence to try.

On a related subject, some people in my office don't seem to like the
fact I am shrinking. They adopt a bored or stern look whenever the
subject comes up - and it comes up frequently, since I've been getting
compliments and questions from many coworkers. These people appear to
have accepted their own obesity as something that cannot be changed.

I would guess that by demonstrating that it is possible to succeed at
losing weight you've already told him more by example than words could
ever do. Like you when Fritz spoke to you, your friend probably isn't
ready to start the journey, and if he isn't then no amount of words
will make a difference as it has to come from inside him. However,
I'll bet you've given him a lot to think about already, even if the
matter hasn't been openly discussed between you. Hopefully, some day
the time will be right for him and then maybe he'll seek your advice.

And thank you for your advice, Janice. I will consider it.

Neil
385/304/200

On 23 Jul 2006 02:34:12 -0700, "The Historian"
wrote:


janice wrote:
On 22 Jul 2006 16:53:17 -0700, "The Historian"
wrote:

I have an accquaintence who has a severe weight problem. He's older
than I am, perhaps weighs more than I did at my peak, and is diabetic.
He's been very supportive of my weigh loss. I'd like to pull him aside
and attempt to persuade him to lose weight. I want to tell him that if
I can make progress, he can. I want to help him, providing advice and
encouragement. I want to have a conversation with him and save his
life.

I've had such conversations myself in the past, but on the receiving
side. I recall once at North Penn Chess Club, Fritz stopped skittling
with me and strongly urged me to lose weight. "I'd like to be playing
chess with you 20 years from now. I'm not sure that'l happen if you
don't do something." Unfortunately, in the short term Fritz's gambit
was not succesful. And I don't know if my own gambit described above
will be either. Should I make a move, or not?

I would be very hesitant to engage anyone in conversation about their
weight. It's something I wouldn't have taken at all kindly to when I
was heavier, although I was never as overweight as the person you're
describing, and if anything it would have just made me feel worse
about myself.

I agree, if I didn't know this person, and he hadn't said anything
about my weight loss. The fact he's spoken with me about it gives me
confidence to try.

On a related subject, some people in my office don't seem to like the
fact I am shrinking. They adopt a bored or stern look whenever the
subject comes up - and it comes up frequently, since I've been getting
compliments and questions from many coworkers. These people appear to
have accepted their own obesity as something that cannot be changed.

I would guess that by demonstrating that it is possible to succeed at
losing weight you've already told him more by example than words could
ever do. Like you when Fritz spoke to you, your friend probably isn't
ready to start the journey, and if he isn't then no amount of words
will make a difference as it has to come from inside him. However,
I'll bet you've given him a lot to think about already, even if the
matter hasn't been openly discussed between you. Hopefully, some day
the time will be right for him and then maybe he'll seek your advice.

And thank you for your advice, Janice. I will consider it.

I'm coming in late here, but I was thinking I'd advise you as Janice
has already done. When someone isn't ready to hear the message,
saying something has a good chance of just increasing their
resistance. Your personal example will tell him anything you can say,
and in a way that isn't uncomfortable for him. He'll "hear" it only
when he's ready, either way. Showing him that it's possible is really
very powerful. (I expect he is already fully aware that being so
heavy is bad for him.)

I just came back from a visit to my 83-year-old mother-in-law, who is
quite overweight. She has lots of arthritis pain that would likely be
noticeably alleviated by weight loss. She knows it and I know it, but
I don't see any point in bringing it up. I do try to be a good
example for her, though. And occasionally -- NOT when she's
discussing her own joint pain or anything like that -- I might find a
way to work into the conversation something about how I used to have
knee pain or whatever and no longer do after weight loss. I try to be
sure this is never in a context when we're talking about here -- maybe
we're talking about another person or whatever.

Chris
262/130s/130s
started dieting July 2002, maintaining since June 2004

I just came back from a visit to my 83-year-old mother-in-law, who is
quite overweight. She has lots of arthritis pain that would likely be
noticeably alleviated by weight loss. She knows it and I know it, but
I don't see any point in bringing it up. I do try to be a good
example for her, though. And occasionally -- NOT when she's
discussing her own joint pain or anything like that -- I might find a
way to work into the conversation something about how I used to have
knee pain or whatever and no longer do after weight loss. I try to be
sure this is never in a context when we're talking about here -- maybe
we're talking about another person or whatever.

Chris
262/130s/130s
started dieting July 2002, maintaining since June 2004


Chris,

telling anyone who is in their 80's that they should change their
lifestyle is like
talking to a wall anyway.

janice wrote:

I would be very hesitant to engage anyone in conversation about their
weight. It's something I wouldn't have taken at all kindly to when I
was heavier, although I was never as overweight as the person you're
describing, and if anything it would have just made me feel worse
about myself.

Sure, as Janice says, be hesitant, but don't let that put you off,
Neil.
snip all the stuff I don't buy

I think it's the mark of a really good friend to risk offending him and
(temporarily) unbalancing your relationship with him to talk to him
frankly. You'll be jeopodising your friendship for motives where only
he has the chance to benefit and you may lose out. I genuinely hope at
least one of my friends is such a good friend.

Madge O'Reene wrote:
janice wrote:

I would be very hesitant to engage anyone in conversation about their
weight. It's something I wouldn't have taken at all kindly to when I
was heavier, although I was never as overweight as the person you're
describing, and if anything it would have just made me feel worse
about myself.

Sure, as Janice says, be hesitant, but don't let that put you off,
Neil.
snip all the stuff I don't buy

I think it's the mark of a really good friend to risk offending him and
(temporarily) unbalancing your relationship with him to talk to him
frankly.

I agree. I'm trying to do that now with another ASD poster, if he'd
respond to email or phone calls.

You'll be jeopodising your friendship for motives where only
he has the chance to benefit and you may lose out. I genuinely hope at
least one of my friends is such a good friend.

Thank you. I am going to have "the conversation" at some point. I'll
wait until he brings up the subject of my weight loss, and build it up
from there.

Thanks to everyone for their opinion.

Neil
385/304/200

The Historian wrote:

Thank you. I am going to have "the conversation" at some point. I'll
wait until he brings up the subject of my weight loss, and build it up
from there.

Thanks to everyone for their opinion.

Neil
385/304/200

Only you can make that call, but FWIW, I think you've shown excellent
judgement in your posts, so whatever your decision, be confident.