Irritating mother encounter – just wanted to get this off my chest

I've occasionally whinged about my iffy relationship with my mother
before, but last night was a lulu. It seems to me that the more
weight I lose, the more irritable and resentful she gets. I don't
quite know why this is but thinking about it, I've never succeeded at
weight loss before – low fat dieting just made me ill –
but she has.

So, back to last night. She started off by describing to me what she
remembered of a programme in which four doctors tried the Atkins diet
and none of them could cope with it. Indeed one of them was 'rushed to
hospital' for reasons (mother was a bit vague about this so I wonder
if anyone else saw the show) to do with his colon.

From that we move on to a whinge about how having me to stay is
expensive. Well, it will be, at least comparatively, I don't eat
anything at all like she does. She's on a low fat diet because she
has inoperable gallstones – though I have to say she's trying to
incorporate some low carb principles since she discovered how badly
potatoes upset her blood sugar level (she also has diabetes). The
gallstones aren't inoperable because of the stones themselves,
they’re inoperable because she has ischemic (sp?) heart disease
and the doctor won't give her a general anaesthetic for anything less
than life threatening.

To put this 'expense' into perspective, though, I'm only there two
days in any given month, have been visiting monthly since my father
died in 1997, she would like it to be more often (in the days just
after Dad died, she wanted me to give up work to come and look after
her) and it costs me between £30 and £50 a trip - I go up by train
because I don't drive. If anything, I think I'm the one who should be
whingeing about cost – even an Atkins dieter would have to work
bloody hard to eat £50 worth of food in two days. Yes, I know she's a
pensioner and it's not quite the same thing, but I mean really she can
afford the odd pork chop.

But the thing which gets me – the thing I can't help resenting
– is the idea that I can drop how I eat two days a month (I
agree it doesn't sound much) because she finds it a mild
inconvenience. She doesn't even do the cooking when I'm there because
I do it, so it's not as if she's cooking things she can't eat. The
other thing which gets me – and which I got on the last trip
– is the undermining remarks like, "I can't see any difference
on your hips, they're still very big" and "your calves are still
awfully fat."

No doubt (because mother also has the elderly person's thing of
repeating herself) I'll hear all this again at the weekend when I go
up, and very probably at Christmas as well. If she does bring it up,
I'm *so* tempted to say that if it's too expensive for her I could go
every other month instead of every month but I'm actually quite
bothered about the family row that will cause, as she's bound to tell
all and sundry that I'm doing it (Atkins and not going quite so often)
on purpose just to upset her.

I can see that she's bothered by the (bad) media coverage Atkins gets,
and therefore worried about me. I also think that there's just a bit
of resentment there because she's always been the one who would diet
and could lose weight, and I've always been the dutiful fat daughter
who did as she was told. And I also think that underlying it there's
a concern that I might 'meet someone' (ha, ha) and not be there as
often for her. It's all very confused.

But I'm not stopping now, no matter what she says. I don't mean to
sound uncaring when I talk about mother, but she does drive me potty
sometimes.

--
Lexin
(300/247/182)

Trust me, you are not alone. My mother and I used to have the same rows
over weight or anything else! Fortunately (thank God) things between us got
better after I moved out, but it seems like sometimes our parents still
make attempts to rule their children after the children have grown into
adults who rule themselves.

It seems like you've got pretty good perspective on things though...just
realize that you're doing the right thing with yourself (Obviously! Just
look at your progress!). Keep your head held high and keep up the good
work.

JBA

Hang in there, Lexin. Many of us have issues of this type. Just do what
you need to do and tolerate your mom.

Lexin wrote:
:: I've occasionally whinged about my iffy relationship with my mother
:: before, but last night was a lulu. It seems to me that the more
:: weight I lose, the more irritable and resentful she gets. I don't
:: quite know why this is but thinking about it, I've never succeeded at
:: weight loss before – low fat dieting just made me ill –
:: but she has.

On 2 Dec 2003 01:42:18 -0800, (Lexin) wrote:

So, back to last night. She started off by describing to me what she
remembered of a programme in which four doctors tried the Atkins diet
and none of them could cope with it. Indeed one of them was 'rushed to
hospital' for reasons (mother was a bit vague about this so I wonder
if anyone else saw the show) to do with his colon.

It was three doctors.

Here's the link to the story:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/programme...ry/3251800.stm

I guess he missed the part about adding fiber during induction. It
sounds like all he really needed were a couple of low-carb candy bars
loaded with maltitol.

I guess your mom missed the part about Dr. Sarah Brewer who found the
diet very successful and plans to continue it.

But I'm not stopping now, no matter what she says. I don't mean to
sound uncaring when I talk about mother, but she does drive me potty
sometimes.

Mother's are like that, yeah, they are.

I have to manage to keep my kids from eating all the crap my mother cooks
even though I have told her WE as a FAMILY do not eat like that anymore. she
seems to think because it's a holiday etc that it will be ok to feed my kids
cookies and cakes and to cook meals full of potatoes and beans etc. I've
managed to arrange things for this christmas so we spend no time having to
eat with her..

Teeb

"Lexin" wrote in message
om...
I've occasionally whinged about my iffy relationship with my mother
before, but last night was a lulu. It seems to me that the more
weight I lose, the more irritable and resentful she gets. I don't
quite know why this is but thinking about it, I've never succeeded at
weight loss before – low fat dieting just made me ill –
but she has.

So, back to last night. She started off by describing to me what she
remembered of a programme in which four doctors tried the Atkins diet
and none of them could cope with it. Indeed one of them was 'rushed to
hospital' for reasons (mother was a bit vague about this so I wonder
if anyone else saw the show) to do with his colon.

From that we move on to a whinge about how having me to stay is
expensive. Well, it will be, at least comparatively, I don't eat
anything at all like she does. She's on a low fat diet because she
has inoperable gallstones – though I have to say she's trying to
incorporate some low carb principles since she discovered how badly
potatoes upset her blood sugar level (she also has diabetes). The
gallstones aren't inoperable because of the stones themselves,
they’re inoperable because she has ischemic (sp?) heart disease
and the doctor won't give her a general anaesthetic for anything less
than life threatening.

To put this 'expense' into perspective, though, I'm only there two
days in any given month, have been visiting monthly since my father
died in 1997, she would like it to be more often (in the days just
after Dad died, she wanted me to give up work to come and look after
her) and it costs me between £30 and £50 a trip - I go up by train
because I don't drive. If anything, I think I'm the one who should be
whingeing about cost – even an Atkins dieter would have to work
bloody hard to eat £50 worth of food in two days. Yes, I know she's a
pensioner and it's not quite the same thing, but I mean really she can
afford the odd pork chop.

But the thing which gets me – the thing I can't help resenting
– is the idea that I can drop how I eat two days a month (I
agree it doesn't sound much) because she finds it a mild
inconvenience. She doesn't even do the cooking when I'm there because
I do it, so it's not as if she's cooking things she can't eat. The
other thing which gets me – and which I got on the last trip
– is the undermining remarks like, "I can't see any difference
on your hips, they're still very big" and "your calves are still
awfully fat."

No doubt (because mother also has the elderly person's thing of
repeating herself) I'll hear all this again at the weekend when I go
up, and very probably at Christmas as well. If she does bring it up,
I'm *so* tempted to say that if it's too expensive for her I could go
every other month instead of every month but I'm actually quite
bothered about the family row that will cause, as she's bound to tell
all and sundry that I'm doing it (Atkins and not going quite so often)
on purpose just to upset her.

I can see that she's bothered by the (bad) media coverage Atkins gets,
and therefore worried about me. I also think that there's just a bit
of resentment there because she's always been the one who would diet
and could lose weight, and I've always been the dutiful fat daughter
who did as she was told. And I also think that underlying it there's
a concern that I might 'meet someone' (ha, ha) and not be there as
often for her. It's all very confused.

But I'm not stopping now, no matter what she says. I don't mean to
sound uncaring when I talk about mother, but she does drive me potty
sometimes.

--
Lexin
(300/247/182)

In article ,
says...
So, back to last night. She started off by describing to me what she
remembered of a programme in which four doctors tried the Atkins diet
and none of them could cope with it. Indeed one of them was 'rushed to
hospital' for reasons (mother was a bit vague about this so I wonder
if anyone else saw the show) to do with his colon.

That was ABSURD. This was supposedly a DOCTOR who CLEARLY didn't read the book.
He probably ate nothing but meat and cheese and NO veggies or fiber supplements.
Any doctor who is STUPID enough to allow constipation to get to the point where
he needs to call an ambulance had better stay FAR away from ME! The other two
DOCTORS admitted they cheated, and the 4th one thought it worked out well. Just
another smear tactic by the British anti-Atkins contingent.

The
other thing which gets me – and which I got on the last trip
– is the undermining remarks like, "I can't see any difference
on your hips, they're still very big" and "your calves are still
awfully fat."

You've lost FIFTY-THREE lbs and she doesn't see ANY difference!
Pure obstinance! I have no idea of the family dynamics involved,
but I don't blame you for getting upset. I think you are probably
right that the status quo is changing and she's upset about it because
she doesn't know what that will mean for HER. It sounds like she is
afraid of losing control in an area that she is used to controlling.
Perhaps you can come up with something that SHE can control about YOU --
maybe take her shopping and let HER pick out something for YOU to wear.
If you don't like what she picks, you could only wear it when you visit
her, thus reinforcing for HER that she has some control over SOMETHING
:-)

But I'm not stopping now, no matter what she says. I don't mean to
sound uncaring when I talk about mother, but she does drive me potty
sometimes.

Mothers can do that to you, THAT'S for sure! I REALLY try not to do
that with my own son, who is 32, but it's VERY difficult to stay out
of each other's faces when either ONE of us disapproves of something
the other one is doing. Most of the time it's no big deal, but the
INCLINATION is always there. I think it really is an ongoing life-long
process between parents and children that has gone on for EONS. Hang
in there -- you are NOT alone!

--
Saffire
205/183/125
Atkins since 6/14/03
Progress photo: http://photos.yahoo.com/saffire333

(Lexin) wrote in message . com...
I've occasionally whinged about my iffy relationship with my mother
before, but last night was a lulu. It seems to me that the more
weight I lose, the more irritable and resentful she gets. I don't
quite know why this is but thinking about it, I've never succeeded at
weight loss before – low fat dieting just made me ill –
but she has.

So, back to last night. She started off by describing to me what she
remembered of a programme in which four doctors tried the Atkins diet
and none of them could cope with it. Indeed one of them was 'rushed to
hospital' for reasons (mother was a bit vague about this so I wonder
if anyone else saw the show) to do with his colon.

From that we move on to a whinge about how having me to stay is
expensive. Well, it will be, at least comparatively, I don't eat
anything at all like she does. She's on a low fat diet because she
has inoperable gallstones – though I have to say she's trying to
incorporate some low carb principles since she discovered how badly
potatoes upset her blood sugar level (she also has diabetes). The
gallstones aren't inoperable because of the stones themselves,
they’re inoperable because she has ischemic (sp?) heart disease
and the doctor won't give her a general anaesthetic for anything less
than life threatening.

To put this 'expense' into perspective, though, I'm only there two
days in any given month, have been visiting monthly since my father
died in 1997, she would like it to be more often (in the days just
after Dad died, she wanted me to give up work to come and look after
her) and it costs me between £30 and £50 a trip - I go up by train
because I don't drive. If anything, I think I'm the one who should be
whingeing about cost – even an Atkins dieter would have to work
bloody hard to eat £50 worth of food in two days. Yes, I know she's a
pensioner and it's not quite the same thing, but I mean really she can
afford the odd pork chop.

But the thing which gets me – the thing I can't help resenting
– is the idea that I can drop how I eat two days a month (I
agree it doesn't sound much) because she finds it a mild
inconvenience. She doesn't even do the cooking when I'm there because
I do it, so it's not as if she's cooking things she can't eat. The
other thing which gets me – and which I got on the last trip
– is the undermining remarks like, "I can't see any difference
on your hips, they're still very big" and "your calves are still
awfully fat."

No doubt (because mother also has the elderly person's thing of
repeating herself) I'll hear all this again at the weekend when I go
up, and very probably at Christmas as well. If she does bring it up,
I'm *so* tempted to say that if it's too expensive for her I could go
every other month instead of every month but I'm actually quite
bothered about the family row that will cause, as she's bound to tell
all and sundry that I'm doing it (Atkins and not going quite so often)
on purpose just to upset her.

I can see that she's bothered by the (bad) media coverage Atkins gets,
and therefore worried about me. I also think that there's just a bit
of resentment there because she's always been the one who would diet
and could lose weight, and I've always been the dutiful fat daughter
who did as she was told. And I also think that underlying it there's
a concern that I might 'meet someone' (ha, ha) and not be there as
often for her. It's all very confused.

But I'm not stopping now, no matter what she says. I don't mean to
sound uncaring when I talk about mother, but she does drive me potty
sometimes.

Hi Lexin,

Belittling parents can really be a nuisance. In my case, I had been
rather sick for several years, then had a life-threatening illness.
Afterward, I had kidney failure and received a transplant shorthly
afterward. I then took prednisone which caused me to gain 50 pounds.
After trying several diet approaches, I reluctantly tried low-carb
(when you have kidney disease the standard diet is low protein). My
Mom was horrified. But I lost the weight I had gained, my cholesterol
levels (also horrid due to the pred) normalized and my BG (elevated
from the pred) came down. Now, I'm not saying I'm a model of health,
but I am saying that I'm now the "best that you can be" while taking
immunosuppressents.

My main point is, while I was very sick, I "died". Now, I'm alive
again. I'm extraordinarily grateful each morning when I wake up and
nothing hurts and everthing works. Life is too short to let little
things like this rackle. Love your Mom, if for no other reason than
because she is. Try your best to put up with her cranky, nasty ways.
Bring or buy your own food if you have to. Actually, being diabetic,
she would benefit from adopting some of your food habits. I had the
gallstone problem, and low-fat didn't help me. I had a terrible attack
from a low-fat frozen entree. Certainly, less potatoes and more
cauliflower would be to her benefit.

Try to make the best of your time with her. Maybe I have a different
perspective because of what I've experienced, and one can be sensitive
about one's weight (I know I am), but relationships with family and
friends went to a new level for me when I realized that, only by good
medical care or the grace of God, was I still here to have those
relationships.

In other words hon, "chill".

Best,

Mary Sue