gotta find my balance

Have a good cry, surround yourself with as many good friends as possible,
don't try to think too hard ....your brain is going to shut down. Nothing
will seem important right now except the life of your loved one.

I lost my 18 yr old son 4 yrs ago on 9-11 .
Took me 2 years to feel half way normal .

Hang in there !!! ...After all there's nothing else you can do .

Peter (Warp100)

I can't imagine what you're going through, but I would do whatever it
took to get me through each day, whatever it took.

--
Cheri

Lorelei wrote in message
.net...
Since the doctor's appointment last Tuesday, I have been eating too
much for
the first time in almost 2 yrs!! Someone, somewhere refilled one of my
prescriptions so I am without one while they figure this out.
I have an impending sense of doom with Curt's survival time being way
shorter than we had hoped. Work out of my control. I am sitting here
thinkin
about the 1/4 of frozen tony's pizza I just had and stopping myself
from
throwing it up. It looks like I have a binge coming on. I haven't done
that
for a few years either!!!
Yeah, I know, butch up. but dammit, my husband is dying, my job is f'd
up,
everything in my house is either broke, repaired or soon to break. and
all I
want to do is EAT!!! This morning I have had 3/4 c old fashioned
outmeal
with 2%milk and splenda, ~1/2 tub of small strawberry creme wafers
from
Cub, the 1/4 pizza, a diet vanilla coke and water. I have been up since
930
pm last night because I worked nights ( had one cheddarwurst there and
nothing before that since 4pm yesterday)and then S4 woke up 3 hrs
earlier
than normal so instead of having a smoke and going to sleep, I have
been up
eating sugar and waiting to take him to preschool so I can fall asleep
in my
van in the parking lot. I would go to Curves (went Wed) but I am going
to
quit there and join the health club downstairs (no classes during my
free
time tho
and I feel guilty about jumping ship on the owners of my Curves. so I
am
waffling on that. they are really nice mother/daughter team


Just trying to stop destroying my success. My therapist would have a
field
day with this. "why don't you feel like you can be successful, Lori?.
Is it
because Curt is losing his battle, so why should you succeed at yours?"

probably, but unless you have gone or are going through the painful
slow
death of your best friend and lover, you have no idea how I feel.
I feel like my thoughts are constantly jumbling from paralyzing
pre-grief
that makes me want to go with him when he goes, to having my practical
side
start planning what I am going to do when this is over. that makes me
feel
bad like How dare I make plans when he won't ever have plans again??/
I am giving myself this weekend to make myself sick (like I feel right
now)
and resolving to get back on track.
fitness zone =Monday
--
Lori
220/156/144
LC since 1/17/03
Devoted wife of Curtis, Stage 4 Prostate cancer at age 40
http://community.webshots.com/user/lorismiller

I can't imagine what you're going through, but I would do whatever it
took to get me through each day, whatever it took.

--
Cheri

Lorelei wrote in message
.net...
Since the doctor's appointment last Tuesday, I have been eating too
much for
the first time in almost 2 yrs!! Someone, somewhere refilled one of my
prescriptions so I am without one while they figure this out.
I have an impending sense of doom with Curt's survival time being way
shorter than we had hoped. Work out of my control. I am sitting here
thinkin
about the 1/4 of frozen tony's pizza I just had and stopping myself
from
throwing it up. It looks like I have a binge coming on. I haven't done
that
for a few years either!!!
Yeah, I know, butch up. but dammit, my husband is dying, my job is f'd
up,
everything in my house is either broke, repaired or soon to break. and
all I
want to do is EAT!!! This morning I have had 3/4 c old fashioned
outmeal
with 2%milk and splenda, ~1/2 tub of small strawberry creme wafers
from
Cub, the 1/4 pizza, a diet vanilla coke and water. I have been up since
930
pm last night because I worked nights ( had one cheddarwurst there and
nothing before that since 4pm yesterday)and then S4 woke up 3 hrs
earlier
than normal so instead of having a smoke and going to sleep, I have
been up
eating sugar and waiting to take him to preschool so I can fall asleep
in my
van in the parking lot. I would go to Curves (went Wed) but I am going
to
quit there and join the health club downstairs (no classes during my
free
time tho
and I feel guilty about jumping ship on the owners of my Curves. so I
am
waffling on that. they are really nice mother/daughter team


Just trying to stop destroying my success. My therapist would have a
field
day with this. "why don't you feel like you can be successful, Lori?.
Is it
because Curt is losing his battle, so why should you succeed at yours?"

probably, but unless you have gone or are going through the painful
slow
death of your best friend and lover, you have no idea how I feel.
I feel like my thoughts are constantly jumbling from paralyzing
pre-grief
that makes me want to go with him when he goes, to having my practical
side
start planning what I am going to do when this is over. that makes me
feel
bad like How dare I make plans when he won't ever have plans again??/
I am giving myself this weekend to make myself sick (like I feel right
now)
and resolving to get back on track.
fitness zone =Monday
--
Lori
220/156/144
LC since 1/17/03
Devoted wife of Curtis, Stage 4 Prostate cancer at age 40
http://community.webshots.com/user/lorismiller

Hang in there, Lori. I know you'll make it through all of this, but I
wish you didn't have to. :-(

{{{{{Lori and Curt}}}}}

Carol
--
"Years ago my mother used to say to me... She'd say
'In this world Elwood, you must be oh-so smart or
oh-so pleasant.' Well, for years I was smart.... I
recommend pleasant. You may quote me."

*James Stewart* in the 1950 movie, _Harvey_

Hello,
On 10-Sep-2004, "Lorelei" wrote:
Snip
Just trying to stop destroying my success. My therapist would have a
field day with this. "why don't you feel like you can be successful,
Lori?. Is it because Curt is losing his battle, so why should you
succeed at
yours?"
Snip

Lori, this is just too damn heavy a load to expect to be able to
handle alone. That therapist (or another one who specializes in grief
counseling) is a good start for load sharing. You know your time with
Curt is too short. Please take what steps you can to enjoy every
sunrise with him.
You are in my thoughts.

Take care,
Carmen

On Fri, 10 Sep 2004 16:49:09 GMT, "Lorelei"
wrote:

unless you have gone or are going through the painful slow
death of your best friend and lover, you have no idea how I feel.
I feel like my thoughts are constantly jumbling from paralyzing pre-grief
that makes me want to go with him when he goes, to having my practical side
start planning what I am going to do when this is over. that makes me feel
bad like How dare I make plans when he won't ever have plans again??/
I am giving myself this weekend to make myself sick (like I feel right now)
and resolving to get back on track.
fitness zone =Monday
--
Lori

{{{{{LORI}}}}}

You're right. Watching the slow and painful death of your lover is
HARD. I've never had to do it, but I did help support emotionally
some friends while one of them was doing the same thing. Don
expressed many of the feelings you just did - about how dare he make
plans while Jan wasn't going to be able to ever again. Life just
SUCKS sometimes and he felt (as I imagine you feel) just so terribly
lost, alone and frightened in a world going to hell too damned fast.

I will be holding you and Curt close to my heart as you face this
frightening future.

What you're experiencing is grief. You're already saying goodbye to
him and that hurts so badly. It doesn't help much (I know) to say
that it's normal and it will pass. One thing that Don found, to his
amazement, is that when the end finally came a great deal of his grief
was *already* worked out. The eventual death of Jan hurt like nothing
I can imagine, but at the same time it was a turning point that meant
he could start getting better, taking control again.

His life has gone on. It is now more than 12 years since Jan died.
He has remarried (a thing Jan REALLY wanted him to do) and had
children with his second wife - since Jan was infertile this was a
blessing he never expected. He has never forgotten Jan, in fact his
eldest daughter with his second wife bears her name as a middle name
(with his second wife's blessing) but his life has been mostly happy
despite this devastating blow.

Aramanth

"Lorelei" wrote in message
link.net...
Since the doctor's appointment last Tuesday, I have been eating too much
for
the first time in almost 2 yrs!! Someone, somewhere refilled one of my
prescriptions so I am without one while they figure this out.
I have an impending sense of doom with Curt's survival time being way
shorter than we had hoped. Work out of my control. I am sitting here
thinkin
about the 1/4 of frozen tony's pizza I just had and stopping myself from
throwing it up. It looks like I have a binge coming on. I haven't done
that
for a few years either!!!
Yeah, I know, butch up. but dammit, my husband is dying, my job is f'd up,
everything in my house is either broke, repaired or soon to break. and all
I
want to do is EAT!!! This morning I have had 3/4 c old fashioned outmeal
with 2%milk and splenda, ~1/2 tub of small strawberry creme wafers from
Cub, the 1/4 pizza, a diet vanilla coke and water. I have been up since
930
pm last night because I worked nights ( had one cheddarwurst there and
nothing before that since 4pm yesterday)and then S4 woke up 3 hrs earlier
than normal so instead of having a smoke and going to sleep, I have been
up
eating sugar and waiting to take him to preschool so I can fall asleep in
my
van in the parking lot. I would go to Curves (went Wed) but I am going to
quit there and join the health club downstairs (no classes during my free
time tho
and I feel guilty about jumping ship on the owners of my Curves. so I am
waffling on that. they are really nice mother/daughter team


Just trying to stop destroying my success. My therapist would have a field
day with this. "why don't you feel like you can be successful, Lori?. Is
it
because Curt is losing his battle, so why should you succeed at yours?"

probably, but unless you have gone or are going through the painful slow
death of your best friend and lover, you have no idea how I feel.
I feel like my thoughts are constantly jumbling from paralyzing pre-grief
that makes me want to go with him when he goes, to having my practical
side
start planning what I am going to do when this is over. that makes me feel
bad like How dare I make plans when he won't ever have plans again??/
I am giving myself this weekend to make myself sick (like I feel right
now)
and resolving to get back on track.
fitness zone =Monday
--
Lori
220/156/144
LC since 1/17/03
Devoted wife of Curtis, Stage 4 Prostate cancer at age 40
http://community.webshots.com/user/lorismiller



Hang in there, dear. As Saffy said, everyone cares. This is a community of
real people with real hearts.

I wish there was something I could do, I really do.

"Lorelei" wrote in message
link.net...
Since the doctor's appointment last Tuesday, I have been eating too much
for
the first time in almost 2 yrs!! Someone, somewhere refilled one of my
prescriptions so I am without one while they figure this out.
I have an impending sense of doom with Curt's survival time being way
shorter than we had hoped. Work out of my control. I am sitting here
thinkin
about the 1/4 of frozen tony's pizza I just had and stopping myself from
throwing it up. It looks like I have a binge coming on. I haven't done
that
for a few years either!!!
Yeah, I know, butch up. but dammit, my husband is dying, my job is f'd up,
everything in my house is either broke, repaired or soon to break. and all
I
want to do is EAT!!! This morning I have had 3/4 c old fashioned outmeal
with 2%milk and splenda, ~1/2 tub of small strawberry creme wafers from
Cub, the 1/4 pizza, a diet vanilla coke and water. I have been up since
930
pm last night because I worked nights ( had one cheddarwurst there and
nothing before that since 4pm yesterday)and then S4 woke up 3 hrs earlier
than normal so instead of having a smoke and going to sleep, I have been
up
eating sugar and waiting to take him to preschool so I can fall asleep in
my
van in the parking lot. I would go to Curves (went Wed) but I am going to
quit there and join the health club downstairs (no classes during my free
time tho
and I feel guilty about jumping ship on the owners of my Curves. so I am
waffling on that. they are really nice mother/daughter team


Just trying to stop destroying my success. My therapist would have a field
day with this. "why don't you feel like you can be successful, Lori?. Is
it
because Curt is losing his battle, so why should you succeed at yours?"

probably, but unless you have gone or are going through the painful slow
death of your best friend and lover, you have no idea how I feel.
I feel like my thoughts are constantly jumbling from paralyzing pre-grief
that makes me want to go with him when he goes, to having my practical
side
start planning what I am going to do when this is over. that makes me feel
bad like How dare I make plans when he won't ever have plans again??/
I am giving myself this weekend to make myself sick (like I feel right
now)
and resolving to get back on track.
fitness zone =Monday
--
Lori
220/156/144
LC since 1/17/03
Devoted wife of Curtis, Stage 4 Prostate cancer at age 40
http://community.webshots.com/user/lorismiller



Hang in there, dear. As Saffy said, everyone cares. This is a community of
real people with real hearts.

I wish there was something I could do, I really do.

"Lorelei" wrote in message
link.net...
Since the doctor's appointment last Tuesday, I have been eating too much
for
the first time in almost 2 yrs!! Someone, somewhere refilled one of my
prescriptions so I am without one while they figure this out.
I have an impending sense of doom with Curt's survival time being way
shorter than we had hoped. Work out of my control. I am sitting here
thinkin
about the 1/4 of frozen tony's pizza I just had and stopping myself from
throwing it up. It looks like I have a binge coming on. I haven't done
that
for a few years either!!!
Yeah, I know, butch up. but dammit, my husband is dying, my job is f'd up,
everything in my house is either broke, repaired or soon to break. and all
I
want to do is EAT!!! This morning I have had 3/4 c old fashioned outmeal
with 2%milk and splenda, ~1/2 tub of small strawberry creme wafers from
Cub, the 1/4 pizza, a diet vanilla coke and water. I have been up since
930
pm last night because I worked nights ( had one cheddarwurst there and
nothing before that since 4pm yesterday)and then S4 woke up 3 hrs earlier
than normal so instead of having a smoke and going to sleep, I have been
up
eating sugar and waiting to take him to preschool so I can fall asleep in
my
van in the parking lot. I would go to Curves (went Wed) but I am going to
quit there and join the health club downstairs (no classes during my free
time tho
and I feel guilty about jumping ship on the owners of my Curves. so I am
waffling on that. they are really nice mother/daughter team


Just trying to stop destroying my success. My therapist would have a field
day with this. "why don't you feel like you can be successful, Lori?. Is
it
because Curt is losing his battle, so why should you succeed at yours?"

probably, but unless you have gone or are going through the painful slow
death of your best friend and lover, you have no idea how I feel.
I feel like my thoughts are constantly jumbling from paralyzing pre-grief
that makes me want to go with him when he goes, to having my practical
side
start planning what I am going to do when this is over. that makes me feel
bad like How dare I make plans when he won't ever have plans again??/
I am giving myself this weekend to make myself sick (like I feel right
now)
and resolving to get back on track.
fitness zone =Monday
--
Lori
220/156/144
LC since 1/17/03
Devoted wife of Curtis, Stage 4 Prostate cancer at age 40
http://community.webshots.com/user/lorismiller


Lori, my heart goes out to you. I too wish I could do something. I will
keep you in my prayers.
M

"Lorelei" wrote in message
link.net...
Since the doctor's appointment last Tuesday, I have been eating too much
for
the first time in almost 2 yrs!! Someone, somewhere refilled one of my
prescriptions so I am without one while they figure this out.
I have an impending sense of doom with Curt's survival time being way
shorter than we had hoped. Work out of my control. I am sitting here
thinkin
about the 1/4 of frozen tony's pizza I just had and stopping myself from
throwing it up. It looks like I have a binge coming on. I haven't done
that
for a few years either!!!
Yeah, I know, butch up. but dammit, my husband is dying, my job is f'd up,
everything in my house is either broke, repaired or soon to break. and all
I
want to do is EAT!!! This morning I have had 3/4 c old fashioned outmeal
with 2%milk and splenda, ~1/2 tub of small strawberry creme wafers from
Cub, the 1/4 pizza, a diet vanilla coke and water. I have been up since
930
pm last night because I worked nights ( had one cheddarwurst there and
nothing before that since 4pm yesterday)and then S4 woke up 3 hrs earlier
than normal so instead of having a smoke and going to sleep, I have been
up
eating sugar and waiting to take him to preschool so I can fall asleep in
my
van in the parking lot. I would go to Curves (went Wed) but I am going to
quit there and join the health club downstairs (no classes during my free
time tho
and I feel guilty about jumping ship on the owners of my Curves. so I am
waffling on that. they are really nice mother/daughter team


Just trying to stop destroying my success. My therapist would have a field
day with this. "why don't you feel like you can be successful, Lori?. Is
it
because Curt is losing his battle, so why should you succeed at yours?"

probably, but unless you have gone or are going through the painful slow
death of your best friend and lover, you have no idea how I feel.
I feel like my thoughts are constantly jumbling from paralyzing pre-grief
that makes me want to go with him when he goes, to having my practical
side
start planning what I am going to do when this is over. that makes me feel
bad like How dare I make plans when he won't ever have plans again??/
I am giving myself this weekend to make myself sick (like I feel right
now)
and resolving to get back on track.
fitness zone =Monday
--
Lori
220/156/144
LC since 1/17/03
Devoted wife of Curtis, Stage 4 Prostate cancer at age 40
http://community.webshots.com/user/lorismiller


Lori, my heart goes out to you. I too wish I could do something. I will
keep you in my prayers.
M