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"Hidden Benefits of Body Size" (whoops, kind of long)



 
 
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  #41  
Old December 17th, 2004, 04:04 AM
JMA
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"Phil M." wrote in message
...
Leafing through alt.support.diet, I read Chris Braun's message of 16 Dec
2004:

On Thu, 16 Dec 2004 08:00:48 +0000, (janice) wrote:

I can't relate consciously to any of the things on the list you've
quoted, but sometimes I do wonder if I get scared of drawing too much
attention to myself - I absolutely *hate* the comments that come when
I lose weight, and can feel myself dreading them. In some peverse
way, I want to lose weight but I don't want anyone else to notice.


I know what you mean about this. I find myself rather dreading going
places where I'll see people whom I haven't seen in a year or two. I
know they mean to be flattering, but I find it really awkward and
uncomfortable. But usually they get over it after a while and then we
can enjoy each other again :-).


I get uncomfortable when they start wanting to know how I did it. "So what
did you do, go on Atkins?" "What motivated you?" They mean well, so I try
to be nice, but it gets old.

I've grown weary of trying to explain the concept of "caloric deficit."


Most of the people in my life (work, family, social) pretty much knew I did
HMR to lose my weight so I didn't get a lot of questions about how - more
like asking for details about what it was like. A year later I find that
I'm getting a lot of questions about how I've kept off the weight as most
people are surprised to see that I haven't gained it all back. I reply
"watch what I eat 98% of the time and regular exercise."

Jenn


  #42  
Old December 17th, 2004, 04:04 AM
JMA
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"Phil M." wrote in message
...
Leafing through alt.support.diet, I read Chris Braun's message of 16 Dec
2004:

On Thu, 16 Dec 2004 08:00:48 +0000, (janice) wrote:

I can't relate consciously to any of the things on the list you've
quoted, but sometimes I do wonder if I get scared of drawing too much
attention to myself - I absolutely *hate* the comments that come when
I lose weight, and can feel myself dreading them. In some peverse
way, I want to lose weight but I don't want anyone else to notice.


I know what you mean about this. I find myself rather dreading going
places where I'll see people whom I haven't seen in a year or two. I
know they mean to be flattering, but I find it really awkward and
uncomfortable. But usually they get over it after a while and then we
can enjoy each other again :-).


I get uncomfortable when they start wanting to know how I did it. "So what
did you do, go on Atkins?" "What motivated you?" They mean well, so I try
to be nice, but it gets old.

I've grown weary of trying to explain the concept of "caloric deficit."


Most of the people in my life (work, family, social) pretty much knew I did
HMR to lose my weight so I didn't get a lot of questions about how - more
like asking for details about what it was like. A year later I find that
I'm getting a lot of questions about how I've kept off the weight as most
people are surprised to see that I haven't gained it all back. I reply
"watch what I eat 98% of the time and regular exercise."

Jenn


  #43  
Old December 29th, 2004, 04:14 PM
Mary M/Ohio
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"janice" wrote in message
...
On Thu, 9 Dec 2004 10:18:27 -0500, "Mary M/Ohio"
wrote:

I was intrigued with the idea when I first heard it a few years ago (from
Dr. Phil, I think) -- that we remain overweight for some "payoff" reason
that is usually unconscious. I had a hard time with that one, feeling as
though I would do anything to be thin, and hated being fat. Yet despite
*22
years* of trying to get below 200, making more effort toward losing weight
than anyone else I knew, I couldn't do it. Now that I'm reading "The
Solution" by Laurel Mellin, I'm reminded of this concept because there's a
section in there called "The Hidden Benefits of Body Size." I found it
intriguing enough to quote here and hope it will spark some thought and
conversation:

"Maintaining a body size larger than our biologic comfort zone is how we
send wordless messages to others. Even if we spend years dieting and
sweating off pounds, this voice will express itself through a relentless
sabotage that results in weight staying rock solid.

"Little or none of this is conscious. We don't *purposely* sabotage our
healthy eating and scuttle our exercise plans to keep our weight high,
*but
it may still be happening.* We seem to spontaneously regain the weight
without really knowing why.

"What is our challenge? To give that voice words and sound so that it can
speak directly and stop expressing itself through extra weight."

Then it goes on and gives examples of case studies of people who used
their
weight to say, "I don't want you to know me. Stay away." or "I feel
powerless. Taking up space gives me power." or "Don't expect too much from
me." None of these reasons was realized consciously, and some of the
people
were "aghast" to find out what they were using their weight to say.

There's also a box with many common messages people use:

"What does your weight say for you?

"Don't notice me.
I am not important.
I am powerful.
I feel powerless.
I am a good mother.
Feel sorry for me.
I don't want sex.
I am stable and dependable.
Don't mess with me.
Don't expect too much of me.
I am not perfect.
Stay away from me.
I feel angry.
I am afraid to be all I can be.
I am not worthy.
I have given up.
I am loyal to my family.
I don't want to grow up.
I don't want you to judge me.
I reject you.
I need space.
I need love."

I immediately recognized, "I don't want to grow up," and perhaps "I need
space," as well as "I need love" and a few more. I want to examine more of
these and see which apply -- indeed that's what the author suggests:

"Obviously, our weight speaks to the world in paragraphs, not just
sentences. If you maintain a slight distance ... saying to yourself, "I
wonder what my weight says for me now?" you'll probably come back to this
question over and over again, and come up with a different answer each
time.
All the sentiments that your weight communicates for you can be brought to
your awareness and expressed verbally. Each time you use words, not your
weight, to express yourself, you'll *need* the extra weight less. Then it
becomes easier and easier to attain the weight you've determined is best
for
your health and happiness."

If this rings a bell for any of you, I highly recommend borrowing this
book
from the library. Again, it's "The Solution" by Laurel Mellin.

Mary M
325-163-145

Thanks for posting this Mary. I know there's something in the ideas
put forward here, but I've never been able to quite pin down how it
applies to me. I strongly suspect that there may be more than just
falling off the wagon for me, like you I've struggled to lose weight
(for 40 yearsin my case) and never quite got down to where I want to
be.

I can't relate consciously to any of the things on the list you've
quoted, but sometimes I do wonder if I get scared of drawing too much
attention to myself - I absolutely *hate* the comments that come when
I lose weight, and can feel myself dreading them. In some peverse
way, I want to lose weight but I don't want anyone else to notice.

Sounds an interesting book - I'm going to look out for it.

janice


Sorry I missed this post, Janice! And sorry to quote from the very beginning
since my original was very long (lots of scrolling necessary to get
here!) -- but since it's been awhile, I thought the context might help if
someone else is reading it.

I really am not sure how this all applies to me, either, but it sure
resonated when I read it. In fact, I should go back and re-read my own list
I came up with -- I know I started a new post with it, so I'll have to go
back and look. Especially now, because emotional eating seems to go with
Christmas for me, especially when lots of my family is home. Lots of old
feelings and dynamics. And while visiting with my family is very enjoyable,
there's a fair amount of overeating going on for me, including "eat it
because it's sitting there" as well as emotionally-fueled eating. I know
that if I begin using my food journal I will do better, but I also recognize
that I don't want to keep the food journal. I want to continue eating
whatever I want in significant quantities -- but day after day of that is
certainly showing in my clothes. I don't want to enter panic mode because I
am really trying to remove the drama and emotion from the whole weight
thing -- I think that will help me more than anything right now.

My weight problem has been lifelong like yours -- and I know that
"unhandled" emotions are definitely part of the mix -- I am not always in
touch with what they are, though. It did help me to grab a pen when I was
writing my own "What does my weight say for me?" list, and I just wrote
stream-of-consciousness and didn't allow myself to edit what I was writing
(kind of like this post, LOL). It turned out that I didn't even understand
some of the things I wrote -- but they were there because they came out of
the pen. :-) "Unconscious" writing has always been a great tool for me, and
I ought to use it more. (I find it works better using a pen than a computer.
I edit too much while typing.) What won't "jell" in my head if I think about
it sometimes comes out quite plainly on paper if I just write without
thinking. And sometimes it's a little more obscure. Hmmm -- I'm not being
very clear here, but somehow just writing this does help to get my focus
back on good eating habits -- I want to eat healthy and not overload myself
with junk which does nothing for me except make me fatter and tired and
uncomfortable in my clothes. Why do I think that is rewarding? I need to
more clearly connect the junk food in my hand with the tighter pants and
jackets.

Mary


  #45  
Old December 30th, 2004, 08:37 AM
janice
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On 30 Dec 2004 02:18:09 GMT, SnugBear wrote:

Mary M/Ohio wrote:

Funny, because I love this experience. I truly look forward to seeing
people who do not recognize me, and revel in all the fuss. I must be
an attention hound at heart. :-)


Me too. Just today I met one of the neighbors while snowshoeing in the
woods. She asked if I was trying to lose *more* weight and when I
assured her I was simply maintaining, she wanted to know how much I had
lost altogether. I enjoyed the whole encounter. I have a fan club g


I guess my aversion to comments is due in some part to the fact that
every time I've lost major amounts I've regained it - all the
attention just serves to tell me how much people must equally notice
when I put the weight on, it's just that they're usually too polite to
say so. IMO it's impolite to comment on weight loss unless you know
the person is able to take it. Personally I would never comment on
changes in people's weight either way unless they actually ask for my
comments.

janice

  #46  
Old December 30th, 2004, 02:19 PM
Chris Braun
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On Thu, 30 Dec 2004 07:37:24 +0000, (janice) wrote:

On 30 Dec 2004 02:18:09 GMT, SnugBear wrote:

Mary M/Ohio wrote:

Funny, because I love this experience. I truly look forward to seeing
people who do not recognize me, and revel in all the fuss. I must be
an attention hound at heart. :-)


Me too. Just today I met one of the neighbors while snowshoeing in the
woods. She asked if I was trying to lose *more* weight and when I
assured her I was simply maintaining, she wanted to know how much I had
lost altogether. I enjoyed the whole encounter. I have a fan club g


I guess my aversion to comments is due in some part to the fact that
every time I've lost major amounts I've regained it - all the
attention just serves to tell me how much people must equally notice
when I put the weight on, it's just that they're usually too polite to
say so. IMO it's impolite to comment on weight loss unless you know
the person is able to take it. Personally I would never comment on
changes in people's weight either way unless they actually ask for my
comments.

janice


For me it isn't anything like that. It's just that it feels weird to
have people talking about my body, and I never have much to say back
to them. I mean, a brief compliment is fine, and of course I can say
"thanks". And if someone is seriously interested I'm happy to talk
with them about how I did it. It's the gushing I can't take: "Oh, you
look amazing! Aren't you so much happier?? Did you do Atkins? How
much have you lost?" -- etc. Or then there are all the unasked-for
excuses about why the person talking to me can't lose weight: "I wish
I had time to exercise! I just can't live without carbs! I just
don't have willpower! My metabolism is just too slow!" -- etc.

And I really don't like not knowing whether I'm going to even be
recognized by people and having to tell people who I am. I hate
walking into a room and having the whole group's attention distracted
from whatever they were doing and focused on my weight loss. I just
feel like, "Yeah, so what, I lost weight. What's the big deal?" I
feel like sending a scout ahead of me to tell everyone I've lost
weight so they won't be so startled when I walk in :-). Or at least
will know who I am!

Chris
262/135/ (135-145)
  #47  
Old December 30th, 2004, 02:23 PM
Beverly
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"janice" wrote in message
...
On 30 Dec 2004 02:18:09 GMT, SnugBear wrote:

Mary M/Ohio wrote:

Funny, because I love this experience. I truly look forward to seeing
people who do not recognize me, and revel in all the fuss. I must be
an attention hound at heart. :-)


Me too. Just today I met one of the neighbors while snowshoeing in the
woods. She asked if I was trying to lose *more* weight and when I
assured her I was simply maintaining, she wanted to know how much I had
lost altogether. I enjoyed the whole encounter. I have a fan club g


I guess my aversion to comments is due in some part to the fact that
every time I've lost major amounts I've regained it - all the
attention just serves to tell me how much people must equally notice
when I put the weight on, it's just that they're usually too polite to
say so. IMO it's impolite to comment on weight loss unless you know
the person is able to take it. Personally I would never comment on
changes in people's weight either way unless they actually ask for my
comments.

janice

I can see your point. I think we need to take our cue from the person
losing the weight. If they've made it known they're trying to lose weight
then I think they might like our acknowledgment we can see it. I don't
hesitate to compliment other members in the WW-at-work program. I also make
it a point to never discuss weight with the former members of the program
who have dropped out and regained weight. I know how hard it is to lose and
maintain a weight loss. I imagine they feel terrible about the situation
and I would never say anything to hurt their feelings.

Beverly


  #48  
Old December 30th, 2004, 09:09 PM
JMA
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"Chris Braun" wrote in message
...

For me it isn't anything like that. It's just that it feels weird to
have people talking about my body, and I never have much to say back
to them. I mean, a brief compliment is fine, and of course I can say
"thanks".


That pretty much describes how I feel. I'm uncomfortable with people
talking about my body and I just felt very invaded during my weight loss.

And if someone is seriously interested I'm happy to talk
with them about how I did it. It's the gushing I can't take: "Oh, you
look amazing! Aren't you so much happier?? Did you do Atkins? How
much have you lost?" -- etc. Or then there are all the unasked-for
excuses about why the person talking to me can't lose weight: "I wish
I had time to exercise! I just can't live without carbs! I just
don't have willpower! My metabolism is just too slow!" -- etc.

And I really don't like not knowing whether I'm going to even be
recognized by people and having to tell people who I am. I hate
walking into a room and having the whole group's attention distracted
from whatever they were doing and focused on my weight loss. I just
feel like, "Yeah, so what, I lost weight. What's the big deal?" I
feel like sending a scout ahead of me to tell everyone I've lost
weight so they won't be so startled when I walk in :-). Or at least
will know who I am!


The other night I ran into someone I hadn't seen in a year - so she'd seen
the weight loss version of me but still didn't recognize me right away. She
said it was good that she recognized my voice. Rather than go on about the
weight loss she expressed genuine surprise and pleasure that I'd kept the
weight off. I have to say I wasn't all that uncomfortable about that! I'm
at a point now where there are very few people who haven't seen the weight
loss version of me so I think the whole surprise thing is done (I hope).

Jenn


  #49  
Old December 30th, 2004, 09:09 PM
JMA
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"Chris Braun" wrote in message
...

For me it isn't anything like that. It's just that it feels weird to
have people talking about my body, and I never have much to say back
to them. I mean, a brief compliment is fine, and of course I can say
"thanks".


That pretty much describes how I feel. I'm uncomfortable with people
talking about my body and I just felt very invaded during my weight loss.

And if someone is seriously interested I'm happy to talk
with them about how I did it. It's the gushing I can't take: "Oh, you
look amazing! Aren't you so much happier?? Did you do Atkins? How
much have you lost?" -- etc. Or then there are all the unasked-for
excuses about why the person talking to me can't lose weight: "I wish
I had time to exercise! I just can't live without carbs! I just
don't have willpower! My metabolism is just too slow!" -- etc.

And I really don't like not knowing whether I'm going to even be
recognized by people and having to tell people who I am. I hate
walking into a room and having the whole group's attention distracted
from whatever they were doing and focused on my weight loss. I just
feel like, "Yeah, so what, I lost weight. What's the big deal?" I
feel like sending a scout ahead of me to tell everyone I've lost
weight so they won't be so startled when I walk in :-). Or at least
will know who I am!


The other night I ran into someone I hadn't seen in a year - so she'd seen
the weight loss version of me but still didn't recognize me right away. She
said it was good that she recognized my voice. Rather than go on about the
weight loss she expressed genuine surprise and pleasure that I'd kept the
weight off. I have to say I wasn't all that uncomfortable about that! I'm
at a point now where there are very few people who haven't seen the weight
loss version of me so I think the whole surprise thing is done (I hope).

Jenn


 




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