Evidence that I'm not a troll-op

Things That Can Be Spread on Bread

BUTTER
Well, there's nothing wrong with butter, per se, but I'm not really going to
go crazy for it either. Upon some deep introspection I've decided that my
main criterion for this particular set of opinions is going to be whether
the item in question actually could stand alone without the bread -- is it
good enough to eat just right off the knife, thereby screwing over all of
America's hard-working wheat farmers and illegal immigrant workers? And in
the case of just plain old butter, I'm going to have to go with a resounding
no here. Sure, a buttered biscuit is really quite delicious, and it's not to
say that I haven't eaten butter right off the knife, because, by God, I
have. But I wouldn't really endorse it. Minus 1 bullet.
PEANUT BUTTER
I only have one word to describe peanut butter in all its forms: Yes. That
**** is ****ing right. Where regular butter is merely a boost to the dry
blandness that is a low-quality bread product, a simple compliment to the
primary food of toast or some such, one puts peanut butter onto bread not as
a means of improving the value of the baked good, but instead only to
provide a larger surface for more ****ing peanut butter. The bread is merely
a vessel meant to house the peanut butter. The fact that it happens to be
edible itself is merely a happy coincidence. The surface area
and...edibility are the only reasons bread is the choice above a finger or a
knife or the entirety of your forearm. God bless you, George Washington
Carver. God bless you straight to ****. Plus 15 bullets.
MAYONNAISE
Everything about mayonnaise is wrong. Except the name. Say it out loud.
"May-o-nnaise." You notice how when you enunciate every syllable you kind of
feel a little bit of your gag reflex going off? There's a reason for that.
I'm sorry, but that stuff is just gross. Let's get past the really obvious
reason that it's a slightly transparent, sticky, white substance and get
right down to what the stuff is actually made of. The ingredients: eggs,
oil, vinegar, salt, sugar. That gets all whipped together to make the stuff.
Back in high school, we actually had to make mayonnaise for a chemistry
class to demonstrate what a colloid is. As a part of the project, we had to
taste it. Let me tell you: that stuff does not mix together well. At all.
Bread or no bread. So understand that if you had tried to make your own
mayonnaise, you would also be giving it Minus 8 bullets.
JELLY
Let me note here that I'm including all the ******* bretheren of jelly in
with it here, which includes jam, preserves, marmalade, and any other fancy
words people have come up with for what is essentially still jelly. As for
the stuff itself, it's pretty good. My main thing against it is that it's
been made kind of obsolete with the advent of Pop-Tarts, the be-all and
end-all of fruit and bread products. Fortunately, they don't make grape
Pop-Tarts (or at least they don't make good ones), so at least that flavor
of jelly seems to still have some kind of usefulness to the world. So, way
to hold up the team there, grape. Plus 2 bullets.
CREAM CHEESE
Look, I don't have anything against cream cheese. I'm sure it's great and
all. But...I guess...I just don't care? Or maybe it's because it has the
unfortunate distinction of having the nomenclature of "something cheese,"
which sort of automatically reminds me of cottage cheese and head cheese and
foot cheese, and by the time those things have run through my head I'm
already sort of nauseous and have more or less lost my appetite. Really, I'm
sure cream cheese is totally awesome, but...I'm just...I'm sorry. Minus 3
bullets.
FANCY MUSTARD
No, not the yellow mustard that comes in the sqeeze bottles. The brownish
stuff that comes in the little jars and that people with snooty moustaches
ask each other about from the back seats of their Rolls Royces. As a
formerly moustachioed Rolls Royce owner myself, I can't do anything but
endorse this stuff. Sure, it tastes like it was meticulously wiped off of
squares of used toilet paper, but that's not the point. You eat it because
of the status. It's like, the modern-day equivalent of owning slaves or
having explorers killed because you secretly want to have sex with them.
It's power. And it's healthier than having ground-up diamonds put on your
food. Plus 4 bullets.
You may have noticed that I didn't include ketchup here. There are two
reasons for this. One, because you don't spread ketchup, stupid, you squeeze
it or slam it out of the bottle. And two, because I would have written like,
3500 words about ketchup and then gone and downed an entire bottle of it in
a rampant orgy of tomatoey goodness.
Actually, I'm probably still going to do that.