hitting the bottom and bouncing back up

Since I post my accomplishments I need to also report when I fail so that I
can maintain my status as a fallible human. Due to a number of emotional
triggers that I choose not to get into publicly, I had myself quite a binge
late last night after DH went to bed. As I got into it I got angrier and
angrier knowing how self-destructive I was being which only fanned the
flames. Oddly enough I didn't jump off the wagon of my WOE. I only cleaned
out the fridge of all veggies and dove into the HMR entrees & shakes. I
finally ended it with a bowl of oatmeal. All in all it turned out to be
about 1300 extra calories. Due to environmental control I just don't have
anything in the house that I really *can't* eat.

I was quite sick when I was done, but rode it out. Unfortunately the
self-destruction didn't end this morning. It was nice out when I woke up so
I decided to run, but fought with the urge to just screw it all and lay
around and eat more. I got downstairs for water, etc. and started eating
again - which I never do before a run or else I get sick. I was having an
internal *screaming* match: "I refuse to put the weight back on and I am
not going to do this to myself anymore!"

I was able to snap out of it and get my butt moving, and actually I was so
angry that I ran harder and faster than I've ever done. I refused to let up
no matter how hard it was to breathe, ending up with a record time for my
3.5 miles. My avg. mile pace was 9:49 min. I should finish my 5K next week
under 30 min! Spent the rest of the day at Curves and then running errands
(taking my time) and then I was able to spend some time with a good friend
who listened while I yelled and cried and let it out. She helped me talk
through it all and gave my hair gorgeous copper highlights to boot. Stuck
to the diet all day, no problem. Bought some low fat stuff to replace the
fat free when grocery shopping. Decided to up to fat % a little to see if
it helps. (currently less than 10% - looking to get to 15% gradually)

The war is just beginning. The battles are not easy. I am not as strong as
I want to be. The damage was more mental than physical. Just wanted to
share the difficulties.

--
Jenn
300/145 in maintenance since 10/28/03
Living well is the best revenge

Hey Jenn,

You've come so far. Just think, if you didn't go thru this program, you may
have never been able to get yourself out of this distructive behavior.
Realizing you have a problem and taking control of it before it totally
takes over you is hard work. There will be setbacks, there will be
improvements. You seem to be very prepared for both. You will get mentally
stronger. You will do better, you will maintain.

--
Email me at:
perpleglow(AT)comcast.net


"Jennifer Austin" wrote in message
...
Since I post my accomplishments I need to also report when I fail so that
I
can maintain my status as a fallible human. Due to a number of emotional
triggers that I choose not to get into publicly, I had myself quite a
binge
late last night after DH went to bed. As I got into it I got angrier and
angrier knowing how self-destructive I was being which only fanned the
flames. Oddly enough I didn't jump off the wagon of my WOE. I only
cleaned
out the fridge of all veggies and dove into the HMR entrees & shakes. I
finally ended it with a bowl of oatmeal. All in all it turned out to be
about 1300 extra calories. Due to environmental control I just don't have
anything in the house that I really *can't* eat.

I was quite sick when I was done, but rode it out. Unfortunately the
self-destruction didn't end this morning. It was nice out when I woke up
so
I decided to run, but fought with the urge to just screw it all and lay
around and eat more. I got downstairs for water, etc. and started eating
again - which I never do before a run or else I get sick. I was having an
internal *screaming* match: "I refuse to put the weight back on and I am
not going to do this to myself anymore!"

I was able to snap out of it and get my butt moving, and actually I was so
angry that I ran harder and faster than I've ever done. I refused to let
up
no matter how hard it was to breathe, ending up with a record time for my
3.5 miles. My avg. mile pace was 9:49 min. I should finish my 5K next
week
under 30 min! Spent the rest of the day at Curves and then running errands
(taking my time) and then I was able to spend some time with a good friend
who listened while I yelled and cried and let it out. She helped me talk
through it all and gave my hair gorgeous copper highlights to boot. Stuck
to the diet all day, no problem. Bought some low fat stuff to replace the
fat free when grocery shopping. Decided to up to fat % a little to see if
it helps. (currently less than 10% - looking to get to 15% gradually)

The war is just beginning. The battles are not easy. I am not as strong
as
I want to be. The damage was more mental than physical. Just wanted to
share the difficulties.

--
Jenn
300/145 in maintenance since 10/28/03
Living well is the best revenge

Jenn, you described this so well it set off mixed emotions in me.
You've probably seen me say here more than once that I regard my binge
behaviour as in remission, but not cured. It shows that many of us
still revert to whatever our own response tends to be to other issues
in life, and in our case it's to binge.
I know so well the experience of eating whatever happens to be in the
house when the urge to binge becomes impossible to subdue. The
difference with me is that after doing what you did in the evening I
almost certainly would have gone out the next morning and deliberately
bought some "real" binge foods as I would have felt cheated at not
having had a "proper" binge by being forced to eat what was to hand,
rather than what I would have really wanted. This can then lead to
days or even weeks before I get back properly onto my WOE. In that
sense, you showed a lot more strength than I would have done in the
same situation.

I'm the last person to try and give you advice as I have so much
difficulty myself. But you know that the first thing is to get back
into what you were doing with regard to your WOL before this happened,
Also to be aware (as you obviously are) that this may happen again and
all you can do is try to learn from it and prepare for how to deal
with it. You were lucky to have such a good friend as yours to work
through it with afterwards.

Stay strong - you just cannot undo what you've achieved!
janice

On Sat, 1 Nov 2003 21:35:52 -0600, "Jennifer Austin"
wrote:

Since I post my accomplishments I need to also report when I fail so that I
can maintain my status as a fallible human. Due to a number of emotional
triggers that I choose not to get into publicly, I had myself quite a binge
late last night after DH went to bed. As I got into it I got angrier and
angrier knowing how self-destructive I was being which only fannedthe
flames. Oddly enough I didn't jump off the wagon of my WOE. I only cleaned
out the fridge of all veggies and dove into the HMR entrees & shakes. I
finally ended it with a bowl of oatmeal. All in all it turned out to be
about 1300 extra calories. Due to environmental control I just don't have
anything in the house that I really *can't* eat.

I was quite sick when I was done, but rode it out. Unfortunately the
self-destruction didn't end this morning. It was nice out when I woke up so
I decided to run, but fought with the urge to just screw it all and lay
around and eat more. I got downstairs for water, etc. and started eating
again - which I never do before a run or else I get sick. I was having an
internal *screaming* match: "I refuse to put the weight back on and I am
not going to do this to myself anymore!"

I was able to snap out of it and get my butt moving, and actually I was so
angry that I ran harder and faster than I've ever done. I refused to let up
no matter how hard it was to breathe, ending up with a record time for my
3.5 miles. My avg. mile pace was 9:49 min. I should finish my 5K next week
under 30 min! Spent the rest of the day at Curves and then running errands
(taking my time) and then I was able to spend some time with a good friend
who listened while I yelled and cried and let it out. She helped me talk
through it all and gave my hair gorgeous copper highlights to boot. Stuck
to the diet all day, no problem. Bought some low fat stuff to replace the
fat free when grocery shopping. Decided to up to fat % a little to see if
it helps. (currently less than 10% - looking to get to 15% gradually)

The war is just beginning. The battles are not easy. I am not as strong as
I want to be. The damage was more mental than physical. Just wanted to
share the difficulties.

"Ignoramus6944" wrote in message
...
sorry to hear that Jennifer. We all have our old demons and they do
come back to haunt us. You see, this is true even if we do not like
that fact. I certainly have my own demons (food related) as well, such
as wanting to eat too often.

Anyway, binging on most vegetables (unless it is peanut butter or
potatoes) is better than binging on doritos. So do not keep any binge
foods in your home.

Work off that one pound to know that binges have consequences.

i


LOL - try 5 pounds. I went from 140 back to 145 in 1 day. My metabolism is
still not normal which is why despite my level of physical activity, I have
to keep calories in close check.

Binges have a lot more consequences than pounds gained. I don't think
there's a binge eater out there that doesn't know it. As we've said before,
knowing it's wrong, understanding it has bad consequences, etc. is not going
to stop it. It's an irrational impulse that at times is so overwhelming
it's *extremely difficult* to resist. I'm not going to say impossible
because there are people who do it. I've resisted many a time, but
sometimes life beats you down and you get tired of fighting or you just go
into autopilot and start. DH is also a binge eater and we've never kept
chips, crackers, cookies, etc. in our home. The preferred binge foods have
always been leftovers or foods picked up from the store or fast food joint
for the sole purpose of binge eating.

I am responsible for the behavior and my actions and that sometimes makes
the problem worse because there really is no one to blame but myself - which
can lead to more self destruction but didn't. I got through it. I didn't
compound the problem by going out and buying what I really wanted to eat. I
even survived grocery shopping. I went down 1 pound today and I am
continuing to work on the issues that brought it on in the first place.

--
Jenn
300/145 in maintenance since 10/28/03
Living well is the best revenge

Jenn, you ahve come so far in a relatively short time, some habits
take longer to change than other, don't let this one set back be the
start, get back in control, you can do it!. Talkingt o friend is agood
idea, maybe you can do this earlier next time. Take care of yourself
and forgive yourself and start a new.
Michelle
Ozzie in Switzerland

WW WI 69.8 / 63.1 / 61kg 134 lbs

On Sat, 1 Nov 2003 21:35:52 -0600, "Jennifer Austin"
wrote:

Since I post my accomplishments I need to also report when I fail so that I
can maintain my status as a fallible human. Due to a number of emotional
triggers that I choose not to get into publicly, I had myself quite a binge
late last night after DH went to bed. As I got into it I got angrier and
angrier knowing how self-destructive I was being which only fanned the
flames. Oddly enough I didn't jump off the wagon of my WOE. I only cleaned
out the fridge of all veggies and dove into the HMR entrees & shakes. I
finally ended it with a bowl of oatmeal. All in all it turned out to be
about 1300 extra calories. Due to environmental control I just don't have
anything in the house that I really *can't* eat.

I was quite sick when I was done, but rode it out. Unfortunately the
self-destruction didn't end this morning. It was nice out when I woke up so
I decided to run, but fought with the urge to just screw it all and lay
around and eat more. I got downstairs for water, etc. and started eating
again - which I never do before a run or else I get sick. I was having an
internal *screaming* match: "I refuse to put the weight back on and I am
not going to do this to myself anymore!"

I was able to snap out of it and get my butt moving, and actually I was so
angry that I ran harder and faster than I've ever done. I refused to let up
no matter how hard it was to breathe, ending up with a record time for my
3.5 miles. My avg. mile pace was 9:49 min. I should finish my 5K next week
under 30 min! Spent the rest of the day at Curves and then running errands
(taking my time) and then I was able to spend some time with a good friend
who listened while I yelled and cried and let it out. She helped me talk
through it all and gave my hair gorgeous copper highlights to boot. Stuck
to the diet all day, no problem. Bought some low fat stuff to replace the
fat free when grocery shopping. Decided to up to fat % a little to see if
it helps. (currently less than 10% - looking to get to 15% gradually)

The war is just beginning. The battles are not easy. I am not as strong as
I want to be. The damage was more mental than physical. Just wanted to
share the difficulties.

"janice" wrote in message
...
Jenn, you described this so well it set off mixed emotions in me.
You've probably seen me say here more than once that I regard my binge
behaviour as in remission, but not cured. It shows that many of us
still revert to whatever our own response tends to be to other issues
in life, and in our case it's to binge.
I know so well the experience of eating whatever happens to be in the
house when the urge to binge becomes impossible to subdue. The
difference with me is that after doing what you did in the evening I
almost certainly would have gone out the next morning and deliberately
bought some "real" binge foods as I would have felt cheated at not
having had a "proper" binge by being forced to eat what was to hand,
rather than what I would have really wanted. This can then lead to
days or even weeks before I get back properly onto my WOE. In that
sense, you showed a lot more strength than I would have done in the
same situation.

I normally would have gone to the store in spite of the time of night and
piled on the junk food, come home and eat it all. We never keep that stuff
in the house because both DH and I are compulsive (except he just seems to
self-regulate to compensate for it because he's only 25 lbs. overweight in
spite of how he eats). I seriously thought about going out and getting
stuff thinking "I already blew it, might as well enjoy it." The next
morning I was tempted to get in the car and hit the McD's drive-thru instead
of running. Luckly those actions take a lot of work and aren't automatic so
I was easily able to get the thoughts out of my head. I didn't get in my
car till after I had run and felt like I was in control again.

I'm the last person to try and give you advice as I have so much
difficulty myself. But you know that the first thing is to get back
into what you were doing with regard to your WOL before this happened,
Also to be aware (as you obviously are) that this may happen again and
all you can do is try to learn from it and prepare for how to deal
with it. You were lucky to have such a good friend as yours to work
through it with afterwards.

Your advice is welcome, that's why I post. I made sure to just start the
day clean. Even though I ate very first thing, it was fruit and it was
allowed. It just could have interfered with my run which is why I got angry
with myself. I recognized right away that I was starting to sabbotage
myself.

Stay strong - you just cannot undo what you've achieved!
janice

Sadly, I can undo it. I've seen it happen to a lot of people. Fortunately,
I *refuse* to undo it. My support systems fell into place and got quite the
workout. I'm very lucky to have the few close friends I do that understand
me as a person.

Because I'm traveling again this week I had to do some cooking yesterday and
I'll be doing some today in order to have healthy food with me on the trip.
Everything went immediately into the freezer rather than the fridge. That's
one strategy I put in place to help, plus I got a new vaccum sealer and I
need to freeze cooked foods so I can put them in those cool bags I'll
also be working out of my office all day instead of the living room - less
proximity to the kitchen and it's warmer in here anyway.

Thanks fo the support.
--
Jenn
300/145 in maintenance since 10/28/03
Living well is the best revenge

"Perple Gyrl" wrote in message
...
Hey Jenn,

You've come so far. Just think, if you didn't go thru this program, you
may
have never been able to get yourself out of this distructive behavior.
Realizing you have a problem and taking control of it before it totally
takes over you is hard work. There will be setbacks, there will be
improvements. You seem to be very prepared for both. You will get
mentally
stronger. You will do better, you will maintain.

--
Email me at:
perpleglow(AT)comcast.net


That's what I have to tell myself every day. I mostly wanted people to know
that I'm not having as easy of a time as it sometimes seems from my posts.
I'm aware of the setbacks and the challenges. I wonder if it wasn't easier
to get out of the destructive pattern because I'm at my goal weight and feel
like I have so much more to lose by giving in rather than it being a light
at the end of a long tunnel. If the same thing had happened months ago,
would I have thrown in the towel and given up rather than fight? Probably,
since that's what I've always done. That's just one more reason I am glad I
did HMR and took off the pounds quickly.
--
Jenn
300/145 in maintenance since 10/28/03
Living well is the best revenge

On Sun, 2 Nov 2003 06:06:35 -0600, "Jennifer Austin"
wrote:

LOL - try 5 pounds. I went from 140 back to 145 in 1 day. My metabolism is
still not normal which is why despite my level of physical activity, I have
to keep calories in close check.

The 5 pounds has to be mainly water weight, though. Even if your
metabolism is weird, you can't put on 5 pounds of fat with an extra
3000 or so calories. It will be gone in a day or two if you get back
on plan, watch the sodium, and drink plenty of water.

I found your story really moving, though. I have never been a binge
eater, but you made me feel what it must be like. You write well, and
from the heart.

(For me, being upset about something makes me uninterested in eating.
I'm much more someone who associates eating with celebration and
happiness and reward and recreation and such. I'd indulge in lots of
sweets and fattening foods when I was enjoying myself with friends, on
vacation, at the end of a hard and productive work day as a reward,
because it was Saturday and a nice day, etc. Maybe a happier reason
for eating, but it makes you just as fat. I have needed to work on
separating having fun from eating.)

I hope you're feeling happier and stronger today.

Chris

Stay strong - you just cannot undo what you've achieved!
janice

Sadly, I can undo it. I've seen it happen to a lot of people. Fortunately,
I *refuse* to undo it. My support systems fell into place and got quite the
workout. I'm very lucky to have the few close friends I do that understand
me as a person.

Sorry Jenn, just wanted to clear up the misunderstanding. By "cannot"
I meant it in the sense of "must not" not in the sense that it wasn't
possible. (Perhaps we use the word slightly differently where I am).
I of all people know that it is highly possible to undo everything. I
can put back 8 lbs in 2 days and know from experience that this can be
the beginning of putting back the whole lot over a much shorter time
than it took to lose it.

I can't tell you how to stay on track, but I can tell you you're not
alone in the issues you face.

janice

On Sun, 2 Nov 2003 06:34:15 -0600, "Jennifer Austin"

That's what I have to tell myself every day. I mostly wanted people to know
that I'm not having as easy of a time as it sometimes seems from my posts.
I'm aware of the setbacks and the challenges. I wonder if it wasn't easier
to get out of the destructive pattern because I'm at my goal weight and feel
like I have so much more to lose by giving in rather than it being a light
at the end of a long tunnel. If the same thing had happened months ago,
would I have thrown in the towel and given up rather than fight? Probably,
since that's what I've always done. That's just one more reason I am glad I
did HMR and took off the pounds quickly.

Interesting - I've often wondered if it wouldn't be easier to resist
bingeing if I was at my goal rather than on the way to it. Not just
that there's more to lose (or rather to regain!). There's a strong
element of my binge behaviour that is like "the condemned man's last
meal" - that is, I know I'm going to have to get back on track but
while I'm "allowing" myself to eat everything, why don't I just let
myself have one more day and then I'll go back to my WOE. Of course,
one day turns into two and so on, and we all know where that leads.
This is one of the reasons I believe that, for me at least, too rigid
dieting isn't the way to stop bingeing.
janice