hitting the bottom and bouncing back up

Hi Ig,

Per her original post, she didn't keep binge foods at her house... she
mainly ate the shakes and HMR meals that are on her health plan.

--
Email me at:
perpleglow(AT)comcast.net


"Ignoramus6944" wrote in message
...
sorry to hear that Jennifer. We all have our old demons and they do
come back to haunt us. You see, this is true even if we do not like
that fact. I certainly have my own demons (food related) as well, such
as wanting to eat too often.

Anyway, binging on most vegetables (unless it is peanut butter or
potatoes) is better than binging on doritos. So do not keep any binge
foods in your home.

Work off that one pound to know that binges have consequences.

i

In article , Jennifer Austin wrote:
Since I post my accomplishments I need to also report when I fail so
that I
can maintain my status as a fallible human. Due to a number of
emotional
triggers that I choose not to get into publicly, I had myself quite a
binge
late last night after DH went to bed. As I got into it I got angrier
and
angrier knowing how self-destructive I was being which only fanned the
flames. Oddly enough I didn't jump off the wagon of my WOE. I only
cleaned
out the fridge of all veggies and dove into the HMR entrees & shakes. I
finally ended it with a bowl of oatmeal. All in all it turned out to be
about 1300 extra calories. Due to environmental control I just don't
have
anything in the house that I really *can't* eat.

I was quite sick when I was done, but rode it out. Unfortunately the
self-destruction didn't end this morning. It was nice out when I woke
up so
I decided to run, but fought with the urge to just screw it all and lay
around and eat more. I got downstairs for water, etc. and started
eating
again - which I never do before a run or else I get sick. I was having
an
internal *screaming* match: "I refuse to put the weight back on and I
am
not going to do this to myself anymore!"

I was able to snap out of it and get my butt moving, and actually I was
so
angry that I ran harder and faster than I've ever done. I refused to
let up
no matter how hard it was to breathe, ending up with a record time for
my
3.5 miles. My avg. mile pace was 9:49 min. I should finish my 5K next
week
under 30 min! Spent the rest of the day at Curves and then running
errands
(taking my time) and then I was able to spend some time with a good
friend
who listened while I yelled and cried and let it out. She helped me
talk
through it all and gave my hair gorgeous copper highlights to boot.
Stuck
to the diet all day, no problem. Bought some low fat stuff to replace
the
fat free when grocery shopping. Decided to up to fat % a little to see
if
it helps. (currently less than 10% - looking to get to 15% gradually)

The war is just beginning. The battles are not easy. I am not as
strong as
I want to be. The damage was more mental than physical. Just wanted to
share the difficulties.

LOL - try 5 pounds. I went from 140 back to 145 in 1 day. My metabolism
is
still not normal which is why despite my level of physical activity, I
have
to keep calories in close check.
**I bet it is mainly water weight and won't stay on you!

Binges have a lot more consequences than pounds gained. I don't think
there's a binge eater out there that doesn't know it. As we've said
before,
knowing it's wrong, understanding it has bad consequences, etc. is not
going
to stop it. It's an irrational impulse that at times is so overwhelming
it's *extremely difficult* to resist. I'm not going to say impossible
because there are people who do it. I've resisted many a time, but
sometimes life beats you down and you get tired of fighting or you just go
into autopilot and start.
**Agreed.

DH is also a binge eater and we've never kept
chips, crackers, cookies, etc. in our home. The preferred binge foods
have
always been leftovers or foods picked up from the store or fast food joint
for the sole purpose of binge eating.
**His pictures on your website don't show him to be overweight. Does he
have a weight problem too OR is he one of those people that can eat whatever
they want???

I am responsible for the behavior and my actions and that sometimes makes
the problem worse because there really is no one to blame but myself -
which
can lead to more self destruction but didn't. I got through it. I didn't
compound the problem by going out and buying what I really wanted to eat.
I
even survived grocery shopping. I went down 1 pound today and I am
continuing to work on the issues that brought it on in the first place.
**Grocery shopping is the hardest thing to do.... congrats on that.

--
Jenn
300/145 in maintenance since 10/28/03
Living well is the best revenge

Definately... I associate alot of happy times with eating. I need to work
on those associations, so that I don't look to food as making me happy.

I'm like you - I need to separate food
and fun.

Beverly

Hey Jenn,

He and alot of people who don't suffer from a compulsive disorder can't
understand what it is like. I don't think he'll ever understand what you or
anyone with our disorder suffers through every day. You are just wasting
the typing energy for no reason.... I identify with so many of your posts,
due to the feeling that I am going thru similar things that you went through
6 months before me. Reading your posts and seeing what you are going
through has helped me immensely on my journey. If nothing else, I wanted to
let you know that I appreciate your honesty in this NG.

VIGILANCE DOESN'T STOP COMPUSIVE BINGE EATING. If anything, it may
exacerbate it because in some cases like mine, binges are tied to a
self-defeating, self-punishment. Any indication of failure may trigger
the
feelings that I don't deserve to be happy or something and find ways to
hurt
myself, in my case that would be overeating. If you still refuse to read
and
understand that you can't rationalize this and regimentation only makes
the
situation worse, let me know and I'll use smaller words next time.

--
Jenn
300/145 in maintenance since 10/28/03
Living well is the best revenge

"Jennifer Austin" wrote in message
...

"Ignoramus6944" wrote in message
...
sorry to hear that Jennifer. We all have our old demons and they do
come back to haunt us. You see, this is true even if we do not like
that fact. I certainly have my own demons (food related) as well, such
as wanting to eat too often.

Anyway, binging on most vegetables (unless it is peanut butter or
potatoes) is better than binging on doritos. So do not keep any binge
foods in your home.

Work off that one pound to know that binges have consequences.

i


LOL - try 5 pounds. I went from 140 back to 145 in 1 day. My metabolism
is
still not normal which is why despite my level of physical activity, I
have
to keep calories in close check.

I find it curious that you state your metabolism is still not normal....is
this from the HMR
or from the years of binge eating? If from the years of binge eating, have
your classes indicated to you about how long, if it ever will be so, for it
to
approach normal (a lot of self interest in this question).

Binges have a lot more consequences than pounds gained. I don't think
there's a binge eater out there that doesn't know it. As we've said
before,
knowing it's wrong, understanding it has bad consequences, etc. is not
going
to stop it. It's an irrational impulse that at times is so overwhelming
it's *extremely difficult* to resist. I'm not going to say impossible
because there are people who do it. I've resisted many a time, but
sometimes life beats you down and you get tired of fighting or you just go
into autopilot and start. DH is also a binge eater and we've never kept
chips, crackers, cookies, etc. in our home. The preferred binge foods
have
always been leftovers or foods picked up from the store or fast food joint
for the sole purpose of binge eating.

I think it must have been the solar flares and the ensuing magnetic storm.

Seriously, I can sympathize with you on hitting the fridge for emotional
succor. I tend to hit the pantry for any emotional high or low, so I know
how hard it is to deal with that impulse. However, that you ate only
veggies and HMR foods is incredible. I certainly would have been in the car
in a shot the next morning, if not before. Your honesty with yourself is
probably
the best medicine for you and your honesty with others via this newsgroup is
very inspiring. I love that phrase "that which does not kill us makes us
stronger" Your setback and emotional grit to deal with it I bet will make
you better equipped to handle the next upset in your life. Good luck.
Elise.

I am responsible for the behavior and my actions and that sometimes makes
the problem worse because there really is no one to blame but myself -
which
can lead to more self destruction but didn't. I got through it. I didn't
compound the problem by going out and buying what I really wanted to eat.
I
even survived grocery shopping. I went down 1 pound today and I am
continuing to work on the issues that brought it on in the first place.

--
Jenn
300/145 in maintenance since 10/28/03
Living well is the best revenge

"Kimba" wrote in message
...
On Sat, 1 Nov 2003 21:35:52 -0600, "Jennifer Austin"
wrote:

The war is just beginning. The battles are not easy. I am not as strong
as
I want to be. The damage was more mental than physical. Just wanted to
share the difficulties.

Jenn, I don't think the war is EVER over. We fight battles and
skirmishes, and sometimes a peace breaks out, but it's always there,
waiting for a slip in attention or attitude.

You've done amazing. And thank you for posting this - I've been
struggling this past week and can't seem to get my head back where it
needs to be.

Best,
Kimba

--You did then what you knew how to do, and when you knew better, you did
better. Maya Angelou

Thanks Kimba. I hope that by putting my experience out there someone might
feel less alone. Hopefully you'll find a way to get your head back. It
takes time. I've had years and years of therapy and treatment to deal with
my issues. It had given me some things to work with on my own and with
those who know me best.

Sometimes it just helps to do one nice thing just for you. I did all kinds
of nice things for myself yesterday from working out to ignoring the clock
and doing things at a leisurely pace to getting my hair done. I hope you
find what works for you. Please let me know if I can help in any way.

--
Jenn
300/145 in maintenance since 10/28/03
Living well is the best revenge

"Perple Gyrl" wrote in message
...
Personally, I believe that the toughest part may be maintanance. HMR
takes
the guesswork out of what to eat. I've never made it to a goal, but I
know
that it will be difficult to live day by day thinking about everything I
put
into my mouth. You are one step ahead of many people. At least you know
your weaknesses and are fighting to face them and win. There are millions
of people that are obese and just accept that lot in their life. You have
seen the light (so to speak).

Yup. I've said from the beginning that the diet was easy. Maintenance is
the toughest part. I've done a bunch of planning and prepping for a totally
new WOE and I hope that helps. Let's just keep the light burning.

--
Jenn
300/145 in maintenance since 10/28/03
Living well is the best revenge

"Chris Braun" wrote in message
...
On Sun, 2 Nov 2003 06:06:35 -0600, "Jennifer Austin"
wrote:

LOL - try 5 pounds. I went from 140 back to 145 in 1 day. My metabolism
is
still not normal which is why despite my level of physical activity, I
have
to keep calories in close check.

The 5 pounds has to be mainly water weight, though. Even if your
metabolism is weird, you can't put on 5 pounds of fat with an extra
3000 or so calories. It will be gone in a day or two if you get back
on plan, watch the sodium, and drink plenty of water.

I found your story really moving, though. I have never been a binge
eater, but you made me feel what it must be like. You write well, and
from the heart.

(For me, being upset about something makes me uninterested in eating.
I'm much more someone who associates eating with celebration and
happiness and reward and recreation and such. I'd indulge in lots of
sweets and fattening foods when I was enjoying myself with friends, on
vacation, at the end of a hard and productive work day as a reward,
because it was Saturday and a nice day, etc. Maybe a happier reason
for eating, but it makes you just as fat. I have needed to work on
separating having fun from eating.)

I can eat for any reason, but any emotional high or low triggers an eating
response. If I am sad, I use the food as my narcotic. If I am happy or
have done something great, or someone in my family does something great, my
impulse is to reward with food. One thing that puzzles me is how I could
give up smoking (18 years ago) with no problem..never looked back, alcohol
has no attraction for me (not against it, just really rarely drink it) and
yet something so simple and basic as food has such a strong hold on me.
Elise.

I hope you're feeling happier and stronger today.

Chris

"Perple Gyrl" wrote in message
...
Interesting - I've often wondered if it wouldn't be easier to resist
bingeing if I was at my goal rather than on the way to it. Not just
that there's more to lose (or rather to regain!). There's a strong
element of my binge behaviour that is like "the condemned man's last
meal" - that is, I know I'm going to have to get back on track but
while I'm "allowing" myself to eat everything, why don't I just let
myself have one more day and then I'll go back to my WOE. Of course,
one day turns into two and so on, and we all know where that leads.
This is one of the reasons I believe that, for me at least, too rigid
dieting isn't the way to stop bingeing.
janice


For me, and many obese people, not being rigid will set us up for failure.
If I am given too many choices, it will be hard for me. I can't speak for
Jennifer though....


For maintenance I need to be structured, but I need flexibility. If I begin
to feel too restricted it leads to feeling deprived which then begins to
weaken the defenses I need some choices, but within a limit which is why
counting calories has always worked for me. I already created a spreadsheet
calculating the right dietary exchanges to have a balanced diet in the
macronutrient proportions and calorie level I want to maintain for when I go
partially and then completely off the HMR stuff. It's when I stop logging
and counting that I lapse. It's also when I stop working out so I make sure
that I keep up the exercise and avoid burnout.

We're all different. Do what works for you.

--
Jenn
300/145 in maintenance since 10/28/03
Living well is the best revenge

I think it may be harder to give up on a food addiction since you HAVE to
eat to survive. There is no way that you can avoid food. A compulsion
doesn't have to make sense and is rarely rational. Why does an alcoholic
choose booze over food??? We associate food with family or going out and
having a good time. Many offices have it catered in and it provides a break
from work. We associate food with warmth and sustenance. There is no logic
as to why we over-indulge. It is very individualistic.

For me, it is for comfort when I am depressed or lonely. When I am happy
and feeling good, I have less of a reason to want to sabotage myself. When
I am upset, I use it to succor me. I don't have all the answers, if I did,
I wouldn't be fat....

284/235/199/???

One thing that puzzles me is how I could
give up smoking (18 years ago) with no problem..never looked back, alcohol
has no attraction for me (not against it, just really rarely drink it) and
yet something so simple and basic as food has such a strong hold on me.
Elise.